The AFL has announced that Round 20 of this year’s competition will officially be the ‘Screw Tasmania’ round.

A range of activities will be held on and leading up to match days to remind both Tasmanians and Australian rules fans across the country just who’s their daddy.

At the feature match at the MCG, every child will be given a Rum’un piñata to gleefully smash to bits at half time.

Each piñata will be stuffed with a mix of lollies plus fake gold coins looted from the Tasmanian Treasury.

For the adults, Spirit of Tasmania miniatures in the urinals can be sunk by peeing on them. Bonus points will be awarded for anyone who can do so while singing Scotland The Brave with a Finnish accent.

At the SCG in the Sydney derby, the Sydney Swamps and the Greater Western Sydney New Demographic Woohoo Giant Marketing Strategy Gamblers will both run through Tasmania-themed banners as they come on to the ground.

One will feature an AFL soul-harvesting devil – “All Your First Born Are Belong To Us” – while the other depicts Port Arthur under the slogan “Always Was, Always Will Be, A Cruddy Penal Colony”.

At the Adelaide Oval – coincientally an upgraded pre-existing facility in a city four times the size of Hobart that homes two AFL teams and many major events not a $2 billion new build hosting just 7 games a year and eff all else in an outpost halfway to Antarctica – an artistic presentation will enthrall fans.

Waves of myrtle green, primrose yellow and rose red smoke* will drift across the field in Apocalypse Now style while the Dork Adelaide faithful chant Never Tear Gas Us Apart as a rudderless Tasmanian boat goes nowhere fast.

At the ‘Gabba, a large scale model of Bellerive Oval will be destroyed by Essendung Bombers in an aerial ping-pong assault.

On the west coast, a million dead salmon*will be arranged on Fremangle Beach to form the words TASMANIA DID THIS DON’T GO THERE.

At Docklands Stadium, cult 1980’s band Frankie Goes to Collywood will play pre-game and dedicate a reworked version of one of their hits – Welcome to the Wankerdome – to the proposed Macquarie Point stadium.

Across Tasmania, Whorethorn Hawks will drop leaflets advising residents of Little Island that resistance is futile and collaborators with the No Stadium Republican Army will have a Sherrin stuffed up their bum and inflated with stadium business case hot air.

Locally, Tasmanian Devils supporters will be approaching homeless people and teaching them how to make a roof gesture by joining both arms above their head, to remind them that a roofed stadium is more important than housing.

AFL CEO Grunt Dill said he was proud to present the Screw Tasmania round alongside the league’s other bullshit initiatives.

“Well, if we can pay our respects to ANZACs by building a monstrosity to tower over the Hobart Cenotaph, there’s no reason we can’t celebrate Tasmania joining as the 19th hole whoops club,” he enthused.

“By telling those ungrateful, inbred, penguin-frotting, flannelette-puffer-jacketed forestchompers that they are lucky to have us discard some scraps from the High Table of the Very Infallible Commissioners in their general direction.”

Laboral Leader and Deputy Leader Jermy Smocksniff and Dim Whimper both said they looked forward to the special round.

“It’s exactly what the major parties are about,” they chanted in unison as they turned to page five of the League’s official songbook.

“The AFL have already sent us the commemorative Football Record Debt so we’re good to go,” they continued.

“Bring on Screw Tasmania!”

* sponsored by Forestry Tasmania

** sponsored by Tassal

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