Buckingham Palace confirmed today that Queen Elizabeth II would have a modest funeral, in accordance with ‘how the monarch lived her life’.
“I daresay people might be surprised at how low key it is,” said an official spokesman. “But in any case it’s only money, and not ours, so we don’t really give a royal rat’s clacker.”
“For a start we’ll be dispensing with the gun carriage to transport the coffin,” he said. “Instead Her Majesty will simply sail into the afterlife aboard the royal yacht, after arriving there by the royal train. The yacht will then carried through the streets by people from all the countries invaded, colonised and utterly ransacked by the British Empire. They should be so privileged.”
The Palace was confident that the event would reflect how much the people of the country were connected to their queen.
“Years of brainwashing with her face on the currency, Christmas messages across all television channels, a ‘free’ book which cost the taxpayer £12 million that was sent to every school to tell kids how wonderful the queen is, knights and dames doled our regularly to ensure a steady stream of high profile sycophants in public life, even a jubilee celebration that slugged the country £28 million whilst there are currently 14.5 million people living in poverty in the UK, well, you just can’t buy the kind of spontaneous adulation that follows from that.”
Among funeral preparation plans that leaked to the media, the coffin is to be draped with 67 dead endangered species in honour of the queen’s lobbying the Scottish Parliament 67 times to ensure that new wildlife protections laws would not apply to royal estates there .
The Palace indicated that only a ‘modest amount’ of the royal jewellery collection worth circa £5,000,000,000 in gold, diamonds and gemstones almost all stolen from countries Britain invaded and enslaved. “One doesn’t wish to appear ostentatious,” the spokesman said.
The spokesman was not forthcoming on the actual cost of the funeral, which he again emphasised would be of relatively humble proportions.
“The queen and her family cost the tax payer £345 million per year in security and other protections,” he said. “So anything that comes in under that is clearly a bargain.”
The Palace was at pains to emphasise that people from all walks of life were welcome to attend the funeral parade, including the queen’s two severely disabled first cousins who were publicly pronounced dead in 1940 and 1961 respectively but who both lived in a care home with no visits or support from the royal family until their actual deaths in 1986 and 2014.
“Even Andrew the rapist and that wog bitch Markle are welcome, plus all the darkies the queen never employed after she negotiated clauses in the equality and Diversity Act so she wouldn’t have to hire ‘coloured or foreign’ staff in the palace,” the spokesman noted.
As far as protocol goes, during the parade mourners are expected to remain silent as the body of the queen passes by.
“This will be a fitting tribute to the ongoing silence with regard to British atrocities during Elizabeth II’s reign, including but not limited to forcible removal of black Kenyans and their relocation to concentration camps to ‘liberate’ land for whites, the British-led coup d’etat Operation Ajax which overthrew democratically-elected PM Mossadegh in Iran, the violent suppression of the Yemeni rebellion, the British war in Malaya to loot rubber and tin and which included spraying local crops with Agent Orange to starve the people, the 1972 Bloody Sunday massacre and other crimes against civilians perpetrated by the British Army in Northern Island, the overthrow of the democratically elected-leader of ‘British Guiana’, and Britain’s illegal invasion of Iraq which lead to over 1 million deaths and eventually gave birth to ISIS.”
The spokesman said it would be appropriate for mourners to bring candles to the event, to symbolise the time the queen tried to use the state Poverty Fund to heat Buckingham Palace despite having her her own personal fortune and estate worth an estimated £40,000,000,000, the property portfolio of which generates £300 million per year and which had a family thrown out during the covid eviction ban for a £32 unpaid bill.
“Who knows, maybe Elton will re-do Candle in the Wind again like he did in 1997 when that doll-faced strumpet was put to bed with a shovel?”
September 23, 2022 at 7:38 pm
What a disgraceful image of Elizabeth!
October 12, 2022 at 5:08 pm
What happened to the leading image?
Does satire gets edited because of one whinger?
Chief Editor TT
October 13, 2022 at 9:46 am
Editor’s note: It’s still there, it just doesn’t show on the post, but because it’s a .gif it’s fairly low resolution, however it’s acceptable quality on the home page amongst a bunch of other images, but it looked a bit whiffy here on its own.
Never mind, we pay little attention to the whingers. 🙂