The Tasmanian Government has moved to sell off the new Bridgewater Bridge the day after it was opened.

After a ribbon-cutting by the Premier and the Prime Minister on Sunday, the Government has acted quickly to try to prop up its ailing budget.

Infrastructure Minister Scary Vincent called for Expressions of Interest for the originally $768M bridge as he dropped a DISCOUNTED FOR QUICK SALE! banner over the side.

“As part of our Strong Plan for Strong Tasmania’s Strong Future, I expect it could be strongly broken up for scrap,” he said enthusiastically.

“Artificial reef. Abstract rubble sculpture. Pelican perches. But really, we’re open to all possibilities. Make us an offer!”

Polly-Anna Lizst said she had already made up her mind not to put in a bid for the structure.

“I’ve been looking for something that might bridge the gulf between macho rhetoric and harsh reality in Tasmanian public life,” she explained.

“But this is nowhere near big enough. No indeed.”

The Minister did not rule out selling bridge pieces to multiple bidders.

“We’ve got girders, we’ve got concrete. We’ve got guardrails and stuff. We’ve lighty trafficy thingies. We’ve got, uh, more concrete. We’ve got big bolts. Yep. Make us an offer!”

Joe Public, who attended yesterday’s opening with his three-legged pet wombat, said he might put in an offer.

“Well if the gummint can build a $2 billion Wankerdome and hand it over to the AFL for sweet fancy apples, I reckon I’m in with a shot here,” he said. “Two cartons and me old barbie. Take it or leave it.”

A Department of Stagnant Growth spokesperson promised that once the bridge had been sold and removed, a comprehensive assessment would be done as to what kind of rafts would be made available to cross the River Derwent from Granton to Bridgewater.

“We will be consulting very widely, as we always do, and then completely ignoring all submissions,” the spokesperson said. “Also as we always do.”

Meanwhile Tasmania has officially come last on a new study of public transport systems around the world that measured rail capacity.

Tasmanian Premier Jermy Offacliff said he was thrilled that Tasmania was achieving the recognition it deserves.

“It’s been a big few days,” he said. “First we let everyone hello-goodbye the bridge, now this. I’ll see if I can find some shelf space for the award amongst all the salmon industry gifts.”

World’s Top metropolitan rail systems by length

1. Beijing – 815km

2. Shanghai – 800km

3. Guangzhou – 648km

4. Chengdu – 561km

5. Shenzhen – 555km

6. Chongqing – 523km

7. Hangzhou – 516km

8. Nanjing – 505km

9. Wuhan – 486km

10. Moscow – 460km

11. London – 402km

12. New York – 399km

…

Last. All passenger rail of any kind in all Tasmanian cities combined – 0km

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