An artist’s concept of the proposed Louise Elliot statue.
Hobart City Councillor Louise Elliot is pushing for a statue of herself and further monuments ‘to her colleagues’ to be erected in Franklin Square.
The proposed series of statues will replace the bronze of William Crowther that the Heritage Council has approved for removal following the council’s vote to tell the truth about colonial history.
“Apart from the blood on his hands, Crowther was an arrogant colonialist bully and elite-level narcissist,” Elliot explained. “So clearly I’m a starter in this race.”
Elliot, whose achievements on Hobart City Council since being elected include being on Hobart City Council, said Franklin Square was an ideal place in which to pay homage to female martyrs.
“What could be finer than looking up at tortured souls while you eat your cucumber sandwich?” she asked rhetorically. “As long as it’s white bread only, none of that commie multigrain barf.”
“We could feature many of those whose great suffering is indeed a monument to the universal struggle of women: Joan of Arc, Boudica, Sylvia Pankhurst, Malala Yousafzai, and Louise Elliot.”
Space for the extra statues will be achieved by removal of the existing fountain, suggested Elliot.
“Unfortunately the interaction of sunlight and the water sprays creates rainbows, and that sends the wrong message,” she explained.
“And as much as I hate sunlight and transparency, it’s just easier to get rid of the fountain.”
Elliot said that she has been silenced for being a critic of the transgender movement and for her position that trans women are not women.
“I have been denied a voice!” she shrieked. “I am not allowed to speak out about my views, except at council meetings, public rallies, interstate conferences, on Sky News, in the mainstream press, on my own website and blog, and on my multiple social media accounts on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. And through defamation actions by my legal team Thretton, Bulliam and Howe.”
The Elliot plan for Franklin Square also includes an upgrade to the public toilets.
“The new facilities will have three restrooms respectively labelled Men, Women, and Abandon Hope All Ye Poor Confused Trans Pedophiles Who Enter Here,” Elliot said.
“Entry to the Men- and Women-only facilities will be by way of automatic body scanners; x-ray images of your nether regions will be checked against database images of approved genitalia to allow you entry.”
The councillor denied that the system would be an invasion of privacy, and assured prospective users that the TERF Square Squad – easily identifiable by the SS on their uniforms – would be monitoring toilet usage.
“What could possibly be invasive about having your wedding tackle photographed for posterity and stored on a cheap and dodgy data server in Russia?
It’ll be so easy … there will even be a Remember My Junk button so you can have your pink bits added to our local database for faster entry next time.”
Hobart City Council is yet to formally consider the Elliot plan, although it has already served its purpose of garnering a screaming headline in The Mercury along with a flattering portrait of Elliot posing as a dulcet 1950s housewife overly thrilled with her new dishwashing liquid.
