AFL Group Finds All of Hobart Suitable for Appropriation

The AFL wrapped up its site visit to Hobart yesterday after viewing potential stadium sites for a Tasmanian AFL team.

The select group also viewed suitable sites for the AFL car-park-as-far-as-the-eye-can-see, the AFL High-Performance Training Centre, the AFL practice field, the AFL Executive luxury suites, the AFL merchandise mega-mall, the AFL Academy for Doing Eff-All About Systemic Racism, the AFL anti-Jackjumpers Shitposting Unit, the AFL Avenue of Statues of Dead People, the AFL Blokiest Blokes Whoever Bloked Guffawing School, the AFL helipad, the AFL War-Room for Marketing Junk to Children, the AFL Commentary Box Rehabilitation Centre for Philanderers and Wife-Beaters, and the AFL Church of Latter-Day Wealth Extractors.

A spokesperson for AFL Chief Executive Giddy McLuncheon said that the visit had been overwhelmingly positive.

“Frankly – and I don’t want Tasmanians to get their hopes up yet – we found that all of Hobart up to 20km from the CBD to be ideal for AFL purposes,” he said.

“We’re currently negotiating a fair price for Tasmania to pay us for bringing big circus energy to your frozen backwater, but Premier Rockliff is showing encouraging signs of opening the ‘wallet of glory’.”

“In case he has any residual difficulty, we are providing him with a private yoga coach to help him assume the correct supine position.”

In a revamp of the speculative Tunbridge stadium plan, the AFL signalled its intention to move all of Hobart’s population to the central midlands.

“Being a safe distance from both MONA and Launceston, it’s an ideal location,” the spokesperson explained. “Also, sheep.”

The clean slate offered by the Tunbridge zone offered a brand new opportunity, he surmised, for a new council to repeat all the shitty planning mistakes of elsewhere on the island.

“Everyone likes a fresh start,” he said. “So ex-Hobartians – and indeed all Tasmanians, we’re about inclusion after all – can enjoy the fresh air of Tunbridge as they start to pay decades of debt for the new Shell^TM Marvel^TM McDonalds^TM Santos^TM Harvey Norman^TM RioTinto^TM JBS^TM Coliseum that the wealthiest sporting body in Australia couldn’t possibly afford.”

“We just know everyone down there will be delighted at being panhandled by swift-talking boofheads and corporate brigands for the next fifty years so Instagram-famous mullet-wearers can kick a ball around.”

A reader’s contribution, thanks Peter McQ!

Much excitement this week at the Tunbridge International Oval when the AFL Fact Finding Mission swept into the domain of a former powerhouse of the Oatlands and District Football Association.

The heritage listed iron goal posts are still standing, complete with dental impressions from the glory days of the mighty Redlegs. Who doesn’t pine for the days when half the team had the same surname and the insults hurled from the crowd were bespoke?

The AFL-wallahs were much impressed with the facility’s green credentials which extend to carbon neutral mowers and nutrient recycling, equal access to the prevailing winds and ample parking.

Sure to impress the US private equity investors believed to be stalking our great game. Punters are encouraged to get behind the emerging Tasmanian Spear Thistles with their compelling motto ‘Sting me once, sting me again’. Paid up members can collect their own memorabilia at the game.