The state government has introduced a voucher system to support the specialty timbers industry through the effects of the coronavirus pandemic.
The $7.5 million scheme, equivalent to the first tranche of the tourism vouchers, was welcomed by the seven people who work in the industry who each pocketed a million dollars. Another half a million went to a blind, deaf, three-legged dog called Boof who has been the industry’s spokesperson for the last ten years.
“Um, yeah, it’s great,” said Boof from his home in the deep south, which he’s currently insulating with fading Robert-Armstrong-for-Huon election signs. “Would have preferred to use orange-bellied parrot feathers but those greenie bastards won’t let us get any permits to shoot vermin.”
The vouchers were snapped up in ‘just’ four months, having taken that long for Boof to finish his oral submission to the Legislative Council’s Everything Bad In Tasmania Is Because of TreeHuggers Inquiry.
“But seriously, this money is sorely needed. Along with the rest of the forest industries we’ve only squandered a billion dollars over the last three decades, so more handouts are overdue.”
“At least those backscratchers we make have come in handy,” he said with a wink.
The state government clarified that the million dollar vouchers can be spent on flanellette shirts, bile-laden Facebook rants, fake coffins, bad dentistry, adult diapers, and 1950s agricultural textbooks about how to conquer nature until it’s begging for its goddam life.
Boof dismissed concerns that it was unethical to log old-growth forests for timber during a climate emergency.
“Can the world economy survive without sheltered workshops for hairy man babies hand-carving letter openers out of rare tiger myrtle?
I think not.”
Pausing to display a fine pair of hand-made, artesan-sculpted, mastercraftsman-slobbered black sassafras massage balls on sale for $1,995 on buysomethingbogan.com, Boof noted that there were few employment opportunities in rural areas.
“Apart from local retail, and services, and agriculture, transport, rural education, health, consulting, tourism and hospitality, engineering, processing, road maintenance, manufacturing, automotive and equipment provision and service, land rehabilitation and monitoring, renewable energy, government jobs, and sustainable niche industries, it’s a wasteland out here.”
Boof said the specialty timbers industry would also benefit from a new federal scheme called JobGrifter.
“I understand it’ll be used to prop up any deadbeat industry that should have used its luxury taxpayer handouts of like forever to develop its own resources, but has instead descended into a gimme-gimme rabble of squealing party donors bog rats.”
Boof argued that the specialty timbers industry deserved special consideration, given its commitment to stop using native forest products by at least 2850.
“We’re confident we can make that date work, as long as we get adequate government support until then,” he concluded. “Otherwise it may be around 2970, who knows?”
