Government-owned company Metro, allegedly a transport enterprise, is changing its name to Retro to accord with its return to 1950’s service levels, spokesman Cyril Blake announced today.
“When people think of us, they think of good old-fashioned service,” he said. “Like a bus every two hours. Or none at all. Yep.”
“So we feel Retro is a good fit for our brand. We also offer 1950’s level wages and working conditions for our drivers which pair well with ageing bus shelters made of WWII scrap. Lets face it, wind and cold are good for the spirit, eh what.”
Blake asserted that the experiment with driverless buses was going to continue due to its roaring success, and that Silicon Valley could learn a thing or two from copying the rollout in Hobart.
“It’s all going to plan,” he explained. “We fail to supply drivers due to rubbish recruitment, poor COVID management, and don’t forget overall bad corporate leadership. So the driverless buses sit in the yard. We save money on fuel, wages and maintenance. We can then cut services and save even more money, and thus the cycle continues. Now that’s sustainability.”
Another sustainability initiative to be rolled out soon is the trial of three hydrogen fuel cell buses in Hobart.
“Yes, it’s a trial to see if we can greenwash the whole organisation with just three vehicles,” noted Blake.
“There’s one for the eastern shore, one for the Hobart side of the river, and one for the minister’s photo opportunities. And because it’s been designed as a multi-purpose vehicle, that last one can also be used for throwing senior public servants under.”
“Whether you’re late for work, or can’t go shopping because you don’t have a driver’s licence or a car, you’ll be able to sit back and calm yourself by thinking fondly of our three expensive hydrogen buses sitting in the depot because we didn’t recruit any mechanics who understand how they work.”
Retro’s long-term planning, currently extending to 2025 1959, also predicts that three buses will soon be enough to service the entire network.
“This will greatly simplify numbering, adding to passenger amenity,” Blake said. “And we’ll be rolling out a campaign to educate the public about what Retro is all about: Retro, Where Yesterday’s Mediocrity Meets Today’s Reality.”
