The Tasmanian Government has moved to end the SARS-Cov2 pandemic with the introduction of hand-wringing across the state.

All other health measures have been replaced with hand-wringing, which became compulsory at midnight Friday for anyone speaking about the surge in cases, hospitalisations and deaths.

“Tragically, another two persons have died of the virus,” said Premier Jeremy Rockliff at his Saturday morning hand-wringing demonstration in high-vis vest and hard hat.

“We couldn’t possibly have done anything else,” he explained. “Apart from public education. And actually encouraging or requiring mask use in high-risk situations. Or improving ventilation in public buildings. Or filtration and improvement of air quality. Or facilitating work from home. Or learning the lessons of the last two years from all around the world. All totally impossible.”

“The benefits of hand-wringing are widely known,” Rockliff said. “It’s long been our policy on the deteriorating state of our national parks.”

“Since the start of the pandemic we’ve realised how important hand hygiene is. And with some extra wringing, you can absolve your conscience for infecting the entire island with a debilitating, lung-popping, brain-eating bat virus.”

Hand-wringing, he noted, was actually a suite of measures that also encompasses proven health strategies like vague head nodding, synchronised shrugging and the widespread distribution of hopium dispensers.

The Premier insisted his government was following public health advice on managing the virus.

“Sometimes the advice can be difficult to understand,” Rockliff said. “Fortunately the nice people at the Chamber of Horrors Commerce and the Tourism Industry Council stepped in to explain it to us.”

“But let me be perfectly clear: they don’t dictate our policy. They’re kind enough to write it down for us.”

Rockliff maintained that having 50 hospital beds permanently occupied by a disease that could be better controlled was actually a blessing in disguise.

“We’ll be incorporating a hospital wing into the new AFL stadium,” he said. “That way, people will be able to go directly from superspreader events into the worst-run hospital system in Australia.”

The Premier also took the opportunity to launch Tasmania’s new security and public order program. To be rolled out concurrently with hand-wringing, the program encourages the public to be complacent and ignore the collapse of society around them.

“The most effective way to prevent crime is to take a nap and hope it goes away.” he said. “We urge all Tasmanians to get behind If You See Something, Say Nothing.”