In a major new announcement, not previously announced before, or redrafted to sound like a new announcement, Premier Rockcliffe (pictured) has announced a total redesign of AFL’s proposed Hobart stadium, which he says will solve all funding and design issues.
“In regards to the appearance of the AFL, we commissioned a corporate government-owned PR firm, WreckFit, to hold a series of focus groups to ensure community voices are heard, understood, drained of buzzwords, and used to massage our narrative.
“We’re confident we’ve come up with a strong winner.”
The new exterior design will feature World War Two ‘dazzle’ camouflage (pictured), a type of ‘disruptive patterning’ that confuses the eye, and makes it difficult to distinguish a warship, or in this case a stadium, from something that isn’t a warship, or in this case a stadium.
“As we’ll need to increase the overall height of the stadium by five metres, this ‘disruptive’ pattern will ensure no one actually sees a stadium intruding on any eyeline.
“Instead, their brain will see only a confusing assemblage of shapes and colours which don’t look like anything, especially not a stadium.”
Mister Rockcliffe (pictured) continued with a second announcement which he stated ‘will be a game-changer for our growing homeless community.’
Lifting the stadium project by five metres will allow a new underground level across the entire project space which can be used to house the homeless in their cars and tents during times the stadium isn’t booked for major events.
“We’ll contract the same company used to cage refugees on Nauru to provide this level with security, basic meals and communal bathing and toileting facilities. Costing the homeless no more than 30% of their fortnightly Centrelink incomes, this is a win for the state and for the unhoused, whom through their poor life choices have ended up in this situation.”
Mister Rockcliffe added, “Ex-Minister Ferguson’s Church has also been contracted to provide social services and religious guidance, a move loudly endorsed by Minister Abetz and Minister Ellis (pictured) as ‘a step in the right direction.’”
Finally, the funding shortfall previously plaguing the project has been solved by the sale of 51% of the project to global gaming titan, HappyWinnerBet, owned by ex-Russian oligarch and philanthropist, Sergei Putin (no relation), who is promising to install the most luxurious lounges to relax and game between whatever activities are happening on the field.
The other 49% will be owned by AFL’s new crypto gaming and money-laundering service, BetterBestBet, who are also assisting the Tasmanian State Treasury with forward estimates and budgeting.
Mister Rockcliffe (pictured) ended the press conference upbeat. “By giving the Market free rein to operate our State more efficiently, our Strong Liberal Government is providing a win-win for us all – and that’s before we’ve even downloaded the new, feature-packed BetterBestBet gaming app on our smart phones!” he chuckled.
Mister Rockcliffe (not pictured) declined to answer any further questions and was escorted away to the scattered applause from media, the Labor opposition and a busload of homeless being fed party pies at the media buffet.
