Two new exciting flavours of toxic Tasmanian salmon will soon be available.
Developed in conjunction with bacterial infections, heatwaves and secretive management, the new flavours are intended to be ‘more Tasmanian than ever’.
“We think consumers will love Bruny Barf Bomb and Verona Sands Vomitage,” said Salmon Tasmania CEO Puke Martin.
He explained that the flavours were inspired by ‘nature taking its course’ with salmon in southern Tasmanian feedlots.
“There’s nothing more natural than an imported species of fish being factory farmed in small cages and fed dye, antibiotics, hormones and chicken fat before being offed by a cruel heatwave and raging diseases,” explained Martin.
After pausing to shoot several beanbag rounds at a seal, Martin extolled the virtues of the new products.
“I’m no chef but by golly this aroma of the Bruny Barf Bomb is … like … well, a whooshing of granpa’s garage turpentine up my nostrils.
With a whiff of fermented durian, old maaates’ farts and month-old beached whale.”
After pausing again – this time to offer a prayer to St Peter (patron saint of fishermen, and flogs) for the rapid extinction of the Maugean skate – Martin said he expected the new products to come in both Standard and Extra Yuck variants.
“We’re even considering a Guácala! variety targetted at the South American market,” he said.
Labor Leader Dean Winker said he was delighted to try the new products and support the ruining of Tasmania’s bays and coastlines at an ever increasing rate.
“Jobbity jobs jobberly Labor jobby jobbed,” he appeared to say through of mouthful of Verona Sands Vomitage, although a witness said he may have been chewing on festering ALP policy notes.
The new flavours will be available on beaches across southern Tasmania in the lead up to Good Friday.
Leah
February 28, 2025 at 10:16
Talk about laugh!
Thank you for making my morning!
Julie
February 28, 2025 at 11:14
This totally nails it, providing a perfect summary of the situation!
I could almost laugh, except for the facts that it’s true, and that my family swims (or swam) at those beaches.
Matthew
March 7, 2025 at 19:38
Supermarkets will be outraged that they are giving this unique product away for free!
Available from a beach near you!
Tasmanian Residents only.
Thank you, Puke M
Chris
March 9, 2025 at 09:09
TasNetworks will be handing out free samples at power failure sites.
Scarce linesmen will volunteer too, along with bus drivers who will be tasked with giving salmonella vouchers to pensioners waiting at obsolete bus stops, however they will fare better than accident victims who may have to devise an MIS Ponzi scheme devised by the National Socialist Premier in waiting who will in fact be serving the homeless under the Bridgewater Bridge.
Let’s advertise the EPA’s ability to monitor at long last.
— Billy Barnett, smiling munster for all failed ventures!