At the steps of the Canberra Palace, General Mutton, flanked by Brigadier Poor Lean Hanson in her beautifully tailored and bemedalled black uniform, issued the latest edict that bans women from voting. Brigadier Hanson voiced her approval for this edict saying that although Chiefs of Staff such as her were exempt from this order, other women were too busy performing the tasks suitable for their gender to occupy themselves deciding who should run the country.
Brigadier Hanson stated that objections to the ban were a disgraceful slur on the high moral standards that have enabled this fair and beautiful country to become a beacon to the Western world.
This edict follows a previous order detaining on Bruny Island, Tasmania all Australian residents who have a foreign nationality, non-Christians and non-heterosexuals as well as socialists, trade unionists, left-handers, redheads and pipe smokers. New Zealanders will be detained separately before their trial and deportation. Ex-Senator Barnyard ‘Crocodile’ Dunedin has been deported to his country of citizenship where he has stated he will be teaching erudition and elocution.
There has also been an order for permitted public dress code. Thongs and shorts are mandatory for both sexes although socks may be worn during cold weather. The wearing of fezzes, yamulkas, turbans, and tinfoil hats is prohibited. Only red baseball caps with the logo ‘Make Aus Grate Again’ are permitted to be worn.
These orders are a timely reminder of the progress made since the coup by General Mutton and his patriotic adherents from One Notion when they dismissed federal and state parliaments, taking over the running of the country. Regional commanders have been appointed to run each state with Sergeant Erica Beds assisted by Corporal Nick’o’lick running Tasmania. This has resulted in massive improvements in efficiency with all overtime rates and needless safety rules removed, and an 80-hour working week enforced. Hence, Unsustainable Forests Tasmania has for the first time ever shown a profit although the 500% increase in worker injuries is to be regretted. However, such sacrifices are required to be made for our state to become viable.
General Mutton has assured all Australians that the removal of taxes for all corporations and the construction of heart-warming infrastructure projects such as the Canberra Palace are part of the masterplan to ensure that the Australian empire endures and is part of every family’s duty.
We look forward to further progressive measures to assist us in this task.
*Mike Buky taught carpentry and navigation in Tonga and has seen enough dead coral to be frightened. He arrived in Australia on board sailing yacht Kadoona in 1998 after a ten year passage from the UK. After graduating at the University of the Surfing Sunshine Coast, in International Politics, and after a second operation he emigrated to Tasmania with his first mate, Trisha, to the aroboreally-challenged NW of Tasmania where they grow vegies and try not to be run over by logging trucks.
