The Tasmanian Government has promised to learn from its mistakes in the AFL stadium fiasco and be more financially prudent in the future.
“It is my solemn commitment to Tasmania – at least until the next Liberal backbencher gets the jitters – to waste no more than half a billion on the next bullshit grandiose infrastructure project the state doesn’t need,” declared Premier Jeremy Rockliff today.
“We’ve listened to the public. We’ve heard the message. We’ve understood. The next time we decide to put the state into debt for decades so we can guffaw with our mates in the executive suites over caviar and House of Arras bubbly, we will shed tears. Tear of laughter, but, well, it’s the token gesture that counts.”
The Premier however could not commit to casting a wave down at the homeless sleeping on the stadium forecourt, but he said he would give it serious consideration.
“We live in a world of harsh realities,” Rockliff reasoned. “And one of the harshest is that backroom deals don’t do themselves. We have to do them. And I can clearly state on the public record that those deals are █████████████████████████” (redacted due to commercial-in-confidence).
The Premier did not elaborate what future giant useless infrastructure projects were in the pipeline, but nonetheless guaranteed to deliver.
“If it weren’t for us forward-thinkers being casually lavish behind closed doors with your money, the Tasmanian people might never get to see Mickey Mouse on Ice at Dove Lake,” he warned. “No casino on the summit of kunanyi. No Grand Prix track at Binalong Bay. So be careful what you don’t wish for.”
The Premier was speaking to the media ahead of this week’s Budget, which is likely to show strong growth in areas of importance for the government.
These include pet projects in the electorate of John Tucker, pet projects in the electorate of Lara Alexander, and pet projects in the electorate of any sitting Liberal member with a resting heart rate of over 100 beats per minute.
“It’ll be a great budget,” said the Premier confidently. “Great, great budget. Health, yeah. We’re promising to fund an entire new roll of duct tape for the Launceston General so they can keep the lights attached to the ceiling.”
“And remember, if you don’t build an AFL temple then you can’t have a budget. This week we’ll see what Rebecca White is really made of. Is she going to kill the dream of Tasmanians who long to have an iconic giant bedpan on the city doorstep, collecting seagull crap and windblown rubbish for 358 days a year?”
