Prime Minister Scott Morrison announced today that he was employing a team of empathy surrogates to assist in attempting to be concerned about the culture of sexual violence at Parliament House.
The consultant surrogates, each to be paid six thousand dollars a week on one-year contracts, will attempt to express genuine human emotions on behalf the PM.
“After consulting with Jen and the girls, we decided it would be good for the nation to have someone in my position with a set of human feelings and not just a marketing strategy,” Morrison explained. “Although, to be honest, and that comes very difficult, this is part of our marketing strategy.”
The surrogates are be directed to weep alternately for the state of womanhood and the critically-low level of integrity in the Parliament of the land, with all tears and anguish to be attributed to the PM.
In order to lend an air of authenticity to the performances, the surrogates will be required to stifle a smirk while glossing over issues of male behaviour and attitudes in the Liberal and National Party coalition.
Advertisements for the emotional surrogate scheme, known as JobWeeper, were posted yesterday in marginal coalition electorates “various places around the country,” according to a spokesperson.
“It’s a bit like my job really,” confessed the spokesperson. “If we can have a few dozen spin doctors pretending to say his words in press releases and on social media, we might as well have a few dozen people faking sensitivity and pretending Scott Morrison is not cicada-husk of a human being with the emotional range of a broken piano from a de-funded arts organisation dropped from an arrived-too-late water-bombing helicopter onto an Astra Zeneca vaccine warehouse that’s empty because the supplies didn’t arrive.”
The Prime Minister meanwhile is expected to continue to do his own hand-wringing over inquiries into the rape of Brittany Higgins that should be progressing but aren’t because he has blocked them.
Leader of the Opposition, Anthony Albanese, offered cautious support for the plan. “It’s our position that, realistically, coal jobs in Queensland are going to need to be part of the emotional surrogate solution to at least 2050 and beyond.”
