As I suck deeply on my filterless Gitane (’specially imported via Samoa to get round the import bans – it’s okay, the chiefs get a cut) – I gazed through the thick smoke from my dilapidated Sandy Bay mansion-cum-hovel, across Storm Bay.

I hack the early-morning green-yellow-red-blue phlegm into the elephant’s foot spittoon next to my own almost-as-dead left foot.

The shimmering goblet joins the pint or so of my bronchial ejaculate already there and naturally, almost logically, my thoughts turn to so-described ‘Brazilian beef giant’, JBS, and its imminent takeover of fish-meat processing minnow, Huon.

Now seems an appropriate time to reveal that I am a shareholder in JBS. And in Huon. Quids-in, right? Right!

I’ve compiled a list of JBS opportunities for my fellow Huon shareholders who are investment focused and, how you say, unencumbered by notions of civility, probity or wayout woketasatic notions of sustainability, viability or responsibility. Fuck that shit. Mugs’ game.

When it comes to investments, I’m with Gabby Grecko who unforgettably and irrefutably said “Greed is good!”

Some people might see the record of JBS as suspect, worrying, controversial, unsustainable, tainted and uncompromising but I look at this from the other side of the fence.

The more environmental regulations, human rights, civility, norms and responsibility can come second to profit and shareholder value, the bigger my dividend. Yes, unfortunately, planet-raping is good for business. My tumours are playing up – and I need to get what I can as soon as I can.

So the list below might look “bad” but, from the perspective of pure profit, it’s “good”. Great, in fact. It’s a list of opportunities realised. It’s a fucking investment portfolio. It’s why I’m putting my money where my mouth is.

Since the demise of Gunns, finding mean, ecocidal, government-bullying corporate raiders to invest my ill-gotten gains in has been that bit more challenging. (Obviously these are short-term investments because companies like this don’t last long but the short-term gains are worth it.)

When my mates in the Tasmanian govt gave me the heads up that they were inviting ecocidal corporate maniacs Shin Yang and Ta Ann into the Tassie logging business, well, I quickly got my broker to buy up a stack of their shares. (And don’t you worry! I gave Paul a good going over in the hot tub by way of thanks. He’s tragically inverted these days but I think he was grateful. He lost consciousness halfway through but that’s the impression I got…)

The amount of public money the government here shovels onto their balance sheets makes it a no-brainer. And the corporate kickbacks, government corruption, exploitation, bribery etc they’re involved in makes it an investment no-brainer.

But still, where are the really big bucks? I mean, I have shares in Tassal too. Who doesn’t? With all the government assistance, support, advice, plus the public waterways they get to exploit cost-free, how could I not? But I’m talking bigger, Gunns-sized bucks here.

Having been the governess for a short period to Geraldo Bolsonaro when my dear-departed husband briefly ran a Brazilian gold mine (before getting tangled up in that ghastly mercenary coup business), and being godmother to his son, dear, dear Jair, I realised that I had o presidente’s mobile number.

(He was such an arresting child. He knew his way about the anatomy of a kitten like the most skilled taxidermist and how one so young could have such an authoritative grasp of Clavis Inferni, I’ll never know… Impressive, all the same. Always saw him as a successful little fascist and, bingo, here we are!)

One day, bored and spooling through my lacklustre investment portfolio, I suddenly realised I could give Bolso a hoy for his advice about who are the real fucking bad boys worth investing in.

With the Benders coming round for dinner and massages right after the call, it was simply serendipitous that we stitched together the deal, which ended up with them agreeing to flog Huon to JBS. (I didn’t quite mention to them that I was also a shareholder in JBS too but don’t they say that discretion is the better part of valour?)

After dinner – and no it wasn’t fucking salmon! (Ewww. I don’t touch that muck!) – doing one of her special deep tissue massages (and I am talking arm-deep here, dear), Frances explained how she should sell a company that had differentiated itself from Tassal and Petuna on its sustainability credentials to a business that has banned internal mention of the word.

“Huon’s sustainability claims were just about business, dahling!”, she explained, rolling up her rubber glove. “With those other two ninnies doing whatever, by us sticking some stuff about sustainability on our website and packaging and every so often giving them a public kicking, we doubled our revenues,” she added, oiling up nicely.

“People are so fucking dumb. They don’t just buy anything, they force it down their little throats too. Talking of which,” she added, eye glinting, “I won’t go past the elbow this time, promise!”

I gasped but then composed myself, quickly relaying that I had explained to dear Bolso that Australia had one of the world’s shitest environmental regulatory regimes and Tasmania’s was the shitest of the shite and you could pretty much do what you want here. You could tell down the phone line that he just lit up. Got harder than when he dug mass graves for peasants during the corona crisis.

I went on to explain that JBS could also diversify into logging if it wanted. All it would take would be some political donations to the two usuals. And these would remain mercifully secret too (Tassie also having the country’s shitest political donations laws as well).

When I told him that Shin Yang and Ta Ann had already been invited here, he was positively buoyant. I think he recognised common values.

Coincidence of coincidence, he told me that JBS CEO Gilberto Tomazoni had just arrived and had already invited Taib, Ling Cheong Ho and Wong Kuo Hea over for a week of golf and ‘corporate entertainment’. (Well, Brazilian entertainers are so accommodating.) After a brief discussion, it was a done deal.

What clinched it was when I explained that the national environment laws, the EPBC Act, was weak, being weakened further, that logging was exempted from it anyway by the Regional Forest Agreement, that the Tasmanian Environmental Protection Authority couldn’t give a shit, the Forest Practices Authority was in bed with the companies and the government, and the greenwashing was left to Responsible Wood and Brand Tasmania.

Well, I could hear the four of them all laughing down the phone. Jair gasped that he wished he’d set up a regime like and Taib balefully agreed, saying that in Sarawak, things were getting pretty hot because of all the logging, corruption, tropical deforestation and murder of indigenous folk. Made me feel nostalgic for when Gunns was really going for it and SLAPPing for all it was worth.

(Darling Jair had to ring off because the cattle prods needed recharging.)

Anyway, they asked me to put together a list of opportunities, past and present, as well as examples of where JBS had really done an excellent job of putting profit first and everything else… well, there wasn’t anything else because the only thing that counted was profit. Nice.

Sliding two Gitanes from the pack, lighting one each in the corner of my mouth and, with my remaining free mouth I took a careful half-pint swig of artesan Huon Valley caipirinha. Where to begin? I really had my work cut out. Here’s the list that I came up with.

I’d be grateful if you don’t show it to any Huon shareholders. The bleeding hearts might get the wrong idea. (One of the little fuckers called me up, suggesting that shareholders also have a duty of care and obligations to people, place, the environment and all the life in the ecosystems we are custodians of.

“Fuck right off!, was my response, before hanging up!)

Those Huon shareholders made of sterner stuff should regard every one of these lapses, allegations and breaches as a big tick for profits and, ahem, shareholder value.

This list also constitutes a perfect reason why JBS is yet another company welcome to do business in Tassie. They’re perfect for us! I just hope Huon shareholders do the right thing and greenlight the takeover because we’re in for a fucking profit bonanza if they do.

The Hag’s list of profit-tastic JBS ‘issues’