April Catherine and Paul: Part Two.
April put on a wide brimmed hat and began dragging weeds from the rock gardens which surrounded the house. She hated weeding and Paul had always done it. Her exertions seemed to make no difference but she pressed on until the azaleas and geraniums…. Were more visible again. She stood with some satisfaction, hands on hips. She wiped sweat from her brow and wondered if she should mow the vast lawn which sloped down from the house to the lip of the river. Paul had said he was going to buy a ride on mower but for the time being, or until she purchased one herself, there was only an older push mower. She saw Paul swinging the machine from side to side as he forced it into narrow peninsulas of grass. He could do the job in quick time. She saw him pushing the boat onto the river yanking on the engine rope before the motor burst into life and the stern of the boat sank down in the water. He would often disappear into the Tamar and return several hours later haven taken the boat for ‘a run.’
‘Thank you for coming,’ said Peter. He wasn’t as imposing as Paul. It seemed to be an instant deficit. Probably only as tall Catherine. His hair was swept back and held by some sort of mousse or gel. This may have made him look ridiculous, a crime boss, but it didn’t.
‘That’s fine,’ said April.’ I’m sorry about mum. She insisted on this auction.’
‘I’m glad,’ he said.
‘So this is the new one on the market then”’ April said.
‘Yes,’ said Peter.
‘It’s enormous,’ April said. ‘Who can afford it?’
‘Anyone who’s got one already, roughly speaking,’ Peter said.
They began to move through the Edwardian mansion on Elphin Road. ‘I worry about the garden but really, what does it matter,’ said Peter. ‘There’s at least two of everything of course. Bathrooms, living areas, laundries, there’s a study and a games room and a room for not very much at all.’
‘And upstairs is all bedrooms,’ said April running her hand along the gilt staircase.
‘Yes, as you’d expect. With balconies.’ Said Peter. ‘We could eat,’ he went on.
April smiled but didn’t answer.
Peter said, ‘I don’t suppose this really needs saying but I wouldn’t want to think I’d never said it. This is not something – well I’m certainly not an opportunist. I hope you’ll believe me. But I love you. I’m not used to saying these things’
‘I know Peter,’ said April, unsurprised, unmoved.
I mean it’s not something that’s hit me suddenly like measles. I’ve always thought the world of you. I never dreamed of, well, taking you away from Paul. Even if I had I knew there wasn’t the smallest chance. He was my friend. I admired him. If what had happened hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have dreamt of saying anything like this to you. Although I do have some sort of hope that you might have realised.’
April said ‘I understand very clearly, and I’m very touched and very grateful.’
‘Oh god I don’t want that,’ Peter said. ’What I feel about you is pretty straightforward. It’s everything else that’s difficult and hard to explain. I feel like a bit of a coward really, talking to you like this so soon after Paul’s death. I don’t want to do anything behind his back but somehow I feel that I’m doing it with his knowledge. Not in an underhand way. If you and I were to become what I’d like us to I feel that he’d be here with us. I do actually feel that.’
‘Dear Peter,’
‘I’m not asking you to say anything or do anything. Or give me an answer. Forgive me.’
‘Forgive you?’
He leaned against the rail of the stairs and kissed her. She took the kiss with a tolerance he took for encouragement. His second kiss was less tentative. She accepted it with tolerance too.
‘There’ll be people here soon,’ April said. ’Do you think they’ll be bothered by our ghosts? Perhaps a mysterious scent.’
‘I doubt it,’ said Peter. ‘Don’t you have to have been particularly unhappy somewhere if you want to leave a lasting impression.’
‘Or murdered,’ said April.
*
At last it was dark. They ate at the Thai restaurant on the corner of Charles St and Paterson, just a few doors up from Paul’s office. When they met, Paul and April would sometimes eat at the same place, but back then it was Greek. There were only a few other couples dining and a group of girls, laughing copiously as they ate.
‘I only want to say one more thing,’ said Peter. ‘About before. Please don’t think this is because of my troubles with Margaret.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘Years ago when Paul was … courting you, I suppose, we all went out to a boat club do.’
‘Good grief, said April. ‘was that you. Weren’t you with some Brazilian girl with a skirt up to here.’
Peter laughed,’ Yes, Carmen, fancy you remembering her.’
‘She was very attractive.’
‘Anyway, Paul and I were in the gents or somewhere, and I was saying how impressed I was by you, and he was saying how it was marriage or nothing for you two and he was doing the usual masculine thing about what a big step it was and even though he was crazy about you he didn’t know how he’d feel losing his freedom, I said to him “Well Paul, If you don’t I know someone who will and he’s standing next to you”’ a week later I saw the engagement in the newspaper.’
April finished her meal. ‘Thank you for the evening,’ she said. ‘I’m parked at the offices.’
‘You’re not upset are you. I thought you might have heard that story.’
‘I don’t remember,’ said April.
Anyway, I don’t suppose that was the only reason he married you.’ said Peter. ‘Carmen married into a bank in Sao Paolo. Half her luck.’
April said, ‘It’s been nice, thank you.’
‘At least I don’t have to pretend with you. Lonely beds, lonely beds.’
Relieved to be home within the hour, April drew a bath and lost her body in the heat.
*
April was preparing for bed when her phone rang.
‘Hello,’
‘Mrs Sullivan?’
‘Catherine! It’s you. Is everything alright?’
‘No, I called before. I thought someone else was there. Your mother perhaps.’
‘No there’s no one, are you ok,’
‘Yes of course,’ said Catherine. ‘What are you doing.’
April said, ‘I’ve just had a bath. I was going to bed. What about you?’
‘I came in an hour ago.’ Catherine said. I thought I would phone you.’
‘I’m glad I gave you my number.’ April said, ‘I had dinner with an old friend. Well my mother’s ex actually’
Catherine continued ‘When am I going to see you?’
‘Catherine we must be honest with each other.’
I want to see you very much,’ Catherine said. ‘You blame me don’t you?’
‘I’m older… if anyone’s to blame. But I don’t think of it like that,’ said April.
‘On Saturday perhaps,’ Catherine said, ‘I’m not working.’
‘There’s a gallery,’ April said. ‘With a new exhibition’
‘Ok,’ said Catherine. ‘I wish it was last night still. And we were together.’
‘I’ll call for you about 11.’
‘Yes of course. I miss you.’
April lay on her back in bed and for the first time wasn’t aware of Paul’s absence. Something like peace descended.
*
April pulled up a few doors before Catherine’s rented house. It felt like summer, the Tasmanian sun already slicing through clear air and singeing pale skin. Sunglasses were the order of the day. April wore jeans but Catherine sported a flowery dress.
‘Hop in,’ April said.
‘Do I look alright?’
‘Wonderful,’ said April. Her urge was to greet Catherine with a kiss but she resisted.
She drove to the Queen Victoria which was pleasantly cool and almost silent in spite of plenty of fellow visitors. The occasional squeak of a shoe, rumours of conversations.
‘These are the colonial paintings,’ April said. ‘I remember coming to see them when I was a small girl. But they’re actually been here in this gallery for a hundred years.’ April felt slightly foolish.
‘What’s a hundred years compared to the art in the Louvre?’ Catherine though remained fascinated.
‘Some of them are very realistic,’ she said.’ John … Glover. And some are … bendy, like Dali. Bendy trees.’
April smiled, ’And the light. So much brighter than England. Frederick Strange. He moved to Tasmania, I wonder why. Emigres were almost entirely convicts. They had no choice.’
‘1832,’ Catherine read. ‘Still so long ago.’ She moved on. ‘Oh, it’s Launceston!’
‘Well spotted,’ said April. ‘That must be the view from up near Windmill Hill.’ Being no expert on Frederick Strange she read the plaque next to the painting. ‘He was a convict. He stole a watch, but they released him. He seems to have had an unhappy life.’
They moved without urgency through the indigenous exhibition, modern art (which reminded April that she had no visual imagination and could barely draw) and a display of work about mental health. It was patchy but some had April shaking her head in admiration and jealousy.
When Catherine frowned she looked cold and forbidding. Then she would smile back at April with brazen candour.
‘Shall we eat?’ said April
‘I don’t mind.’
‘We can snack. I know a place. Let’s walk.’
‘I want to go to Mexico,’ said Catherine spontaneously. ‘To see the pyramids.’
‘Pyramids? In Mexico’
‘Yes, the Mayan Temples with all the step,’ Catherine continued. ‘The first man I ever loved told me about them.’
April said, ‘Mexican?’
‘French, the son of a diplomat.’ Catherine said. ’You’ve seen them, with the steps going up.’
‘Yes of course.’
‘They are very steep. The tourists get dizzy,’ said Catherine. ‘They have to use chains, but the locals can skip up to the top quickly.’
‘I suppose Uluru was a bit like that,’ said April. ‘Did you go there?’
‘We didn’t climb,’ said Catherine. ’We wanted to respect the owners. But it’s beautiful. I hated the climbers. Ignorant shits.’
They sat in a corner table near an elderly couple. April had become accustomed to Launceston. The absence, of people, daytime or night. The hip coffee shops with nobody hip inside and half empty theatres. The proliferation of flat tray trucks and hi-viz vests. She and Paul had spent five years in Melbourne before deciding to move back. She felt more comfortable living in what was ostensibly bush than she would have in town. She would visit Joe periodically (with Paul) and was always energized by the city but these days she was happy to return home.
‘Why do we watch other people?’ April said.
‘Who,’ said Catherine?
April nodded towards the next table. The man was filling out a crossword but tore it out of the paper. They smiled.
‘Did you understand those maps in the gallery.’ April said.
‘Well … no’ Catherine laughed, rocking her head back. April gasped.
‘Oh, thank god,’ April said. ‘I was looking and looking but I don’t know what I was looking at’
‘Does it matter?’
‘I always think people will know things. I thought you had all the answers’
‘Ha, I don’t even have any questions.’ Said Catherine.
April said, ‘You know I have this dream. I’m supposed to be turning up for an exam at school, but I have no idea where to go. I haven’t prepared and I don’t even know what subject it is.’
‘Oh it’s your anxiety,’ Catherine said. ‘Do you know Radiohead?
‘I’m not that old.’
‘No of course you’re not, I have dreamt that I am the bass player but I go on stage and I don’t know any songs.’
‘Really? Those dreams are so similar’
‘Perhaps we are similar too.’ Catherine said.
‘How old are you Catherine?’
‘You don’t know?’
April said, ‘I’m asking.’
Catherine didn’t toy with the common tactic of “guessing.”
‘I’m 28.’
‘That sounds about right,’ Said April.
Catherine didn’t ask April the same question, It felt imprudent.
‘I’m 50,’ April volunteered.
‘You’re so beautiful,’
‘For my age,’ April said
‘For any age.’
‘I’m always afraid I’m missing something,’ April said. ‘There’s always something between me and what I want’
‘Is there at the moment?’
‘No, that’s what’s so exciting.’
*
Catherine said. ‘Have you never made love with a woman before?’
‘No, of course not.’ April said. ‘I was married. I was young when Paul and I we met.’
‘You think it’s wrong?’ Catherine said.
‘Wrong?’ said April. ‘No, astonishing, perhaps ruinous.’ Have you done it so often.’
‘No, never.’
‘How do you manage to be so calm?’
‘I feel so comfortable with you.’
‘Because you’re sure of me,’ April said.
‘No not that. Not that at all.’
April collected her car and drove Catherine home. She went in because Catherine urged her. April said, ’Did you lock the door’
‘No-one will come. You are afraid.’ Catherine said.
‘I feel I have nothing to stand on,’ April said
‘No-one does, so many of us are drifting.’
‘That’s glib. Glib. I don’t remember thinking anything could happen and I couldn’t do a thing about it.’
Catherine kissed April on the mouth.
‘I love you,’ Said April. ‘I don’t know what it means or where it will end.’
‘You are serious,’ Catherine said, ’Like him. Tell me about your job.’
‘I read unpublished books. I look for talent. I’m taking some time off’
April braced herself against the couch.
‘I must go.’
I believe you were afraid before any of this,’ Catherine said.
‘When you are with a lover you always want to be dressed quickly’
‘I was never with a lover before.’
‘Paul?’ Catherine said.
‘It wasn’t like that. Why would you say that?’
Catherine didn’t answer except to say. ‘You should call me Cat.’
The silence made April more uncomfortable. Catherine played a waiting game. She shook her head and April presumed Catherine’s hair was recently long and by habit she tousled what was no longer there. Eventually, Catherine said, ‘Nothing can hurt us, no-one will come in.’
‘You’re trying to rob me of something,’ April said, on the precipice of tears.
Catherine held her. Held her and looked out over her shoulders at the setting sun bathing the room in light. Kate broke free and huddled on a chair under the window sill. They heard children in the house next door.
‘I can never tell if they’re laughing or crying,’ said Catherine folding her arms and gazing downwards.
April’s reticence was being chipped away.
‘Did he speak of me?’ said April, retaining a distance now from Catherine which allowed her further interrogation.
‘Oh yes. I was very tired of you in fact. I mean he spoke of you so much.’
‘Once when I was at school,’ April said.
‘Oh you spent so long at school!’
‘Yes. One day I was in the art room and I heard two girls talking. They were talking about a girl. Casually. They said she was intelligent but a little too careful. They said she was a bad loser and not somebody you could rely on even though she was friendly. I remember one said, in a contemptuous tone: “Oh nothing will ever be good enough for madame.” They were talking about me of course.’
‘Of course.’
‘Have you ever had anyone talking about you?’
‘No, I haven’t,’ Catherine said.
‘I avoided the girls for days. I felt robbed of myself. Quite empty. The way I felt about Paul when all this happened. I became quite fickle. I was late for lessons. I hitched my skirt up, and found a boy from another school to kiss. I didn’t even like him.’
‘Good for you,’ said Catherine.
‘Have you ever done that?’
‘Only because I am French,’ said Catherine. ‘Everyone sees what they can get away with.’
‘Are we getting away with something now,’ April said.
‘Perhaps,’ said Catherine. “it’s what you’d like.’
‘Maybe,’ said April. ‘Maybe.’
*
‘It was all girls then this school of yours,’ Catherine said.
‘All girls?’
‘All girls,’ said April.
‘And you never?’
‘Ultimately we were all too innocent. I don’t remember feeling anything for anyone.’
They were shopping for dinner. Catherine squeezed the various Camemberts to find one which would suit. April chose an avocado and tomatoes. Catherine started speaking to a young man in the delicatessen. It looked to April liked flirting. She chastised herself.
‘That’s Josh,’ Catherine said. ‘We come here quite a lot?’.
‘We?’ April said.
‘I have a few friends. I suppose I haven’t told you. We are all girls.’
‘What about Josh?’
‘Mmm, I don’t like him so much, said Catherine. ‘He’s too skinny.’
‘You don’t like men?’ April said.
‘Sometimes. But Josh is too dirty. And too skinny.’
‘Not the diplomat in Mexico,‘ April said.
‘No, quite the opposite,’ said Catherine. ‘Richard was the first man?’
‘No, I was in my thirties. When I met him I mean.’
‘Were they serious, your lovers?’
‘Aren’t they all serious?’ April said.
‘We need ketchup.’ Catherine said.
‘I thought the French never used it.’
‘Ha, are you kidding,’ said Catherine. ‘Suppose we had not known what to do or say. Think how happy we could have been the three of us. These things we discover too late.’
‘You’re being idealistic and naïve.’ April said. ‘It never would have happened.’
‘Men like the idea of two women.’
‘Do they? April said. ‘They like to find their wives in bed with other women. Perhaps in France. Or do I know nothing at all about France? Perhaps in pornography.’
‘Did you never talk of things like that?’
‘We talked about everything. Except bringing another woman into the bedroom,’ said April
*
They got in the car and went back to Catherine’s house.
‘Did you lock the door,’ April said. ‘I’ll do it.’
‘Do you think if a man came home and found his wife and his lover in bed that he would not be excited? He would be angry? Shocked? Jealous? I don’t think so. I think it would be a dream come true.’
‘Is that what you want of your dreams?’ April said.
Catherine ambled up and leant up to kiss April. For a moment April was indifferent, irritated, then she put her arms around Catherine’s waist.
‘I must go Catherine,’ said April. ‘People will wonder where I am. My phone is at home.’
‘Was that deliberate?’
‘Yes.’
‘Which people?’ Catherine said.
‘My mother, Tom, Joe.’
‘They are not so important now. What do they matter?’
‘You want to hurt me.’
‘I don’t want to hurt either of us,’ said Catherine.
Catherine twisted the lock.
‘Do you think you’ll ever marry,’ said April.
‘I have no reason not to.’
‘You think it can work. After all this.’
‘You mean will I dare?’ Catherine said.
‘No,’ April said.
‘I want you to stay.’
‘Because you want me to or because I don’t want to?’
‘If you are here, there is still some warmth, some life, some hope,’ Catherine said ‘You’re afraid, you fear abandon.’
‘Abandonment. Yes. And I’m missing a glove,’
‘Why would you want gloves on such a day,’
‘I don’t know, I keep them in my bag, ‘April said. ‘You haven’t hidden it have you?’
‘I’ll look for it, when you were with this first man,’ Catherine said. ‘Did you hesitate’
‘Oh yes, I hesitated,’ April replied.
‘Stay with me, and then go if you want to. Is tonight special?’
‘Only because I said I’d be home so I must,’ April said.
‘You should get a bicycle so we can ride.’
‘Not to Beauty point!’
‘No around town,’ Catherine said
‘It’s too hilly!’ said April.
‘Not for me.’ said Catherine.
‘You’re so young, ‘said April
At the front door, April said, ‘Did he tell you he had a breakdown, Paul?’
For the first time Catherine looked taken aback. ‘No. He never said.’
It was about five years ago, said April. He was bedridden for weeks. He was very ill.’
‘Why … how did it happen?’
‘No-one knows why. Perhaps it was hereditary. You know passed on from his family.’
‘And he recovered?’ Catherine said.
‘Eventually,’ but he had to try a number of medications before he got better.’
‘I had no idea,’
‘Some things he kept secret from you Catherine.’
* * * *
April Catherine and Paul: Part Four.
Michael Witheford is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in The Age, Sydney Morning Herald, Launceston Examiner, and various periodicals. He is the author of the novel Buzzed (Penguin) and non-fiction book The Very Worst Of The Beatles (Vivid). In a former life he played in The Fish John West Reject and other bands.
