Native wildlife is set to be a loser in the upcoming state budget with new cost-cutting initiatives to be introduced by the Tasmanian government. One measure being adopted is the twenty-nine spotted pardalote slated to replace the current forty-spotted version.
Treasurer Peter Gutwein said each Tasmanian local government area was going to have to provide one spot each to fund the measure. “And, after our program of local government reform, we would envisage having an amalgamated eleven-spotted pardalote within a few years’ time,” he said. Under the pardalote plan, Councils unwilling to join the program would be issued with the on-the-spot fines.
Another species affected by belt tightening is the swift parrot, shortly to be downgraded to the yeah-kind-of-barely-faster-than-normal-I-reckon parrot to save on fuel costs. “We can’t just have parrots hooning around the island on the taxpayer dime,” thundered the Liberal majority government Treasurer at a Liberal majority government breakfast featuring Liberal majority government parrot egg omelettes on Liberal majority government toast. “It’s bad enough that some of them think they’re untouchable just because they have orange bellies,” he added.
The state government was also not in a position to financially support Tasmanian devils, Mr Gutwein stated. Under new Federal government restrictions, devils have been unable to have their treatment for facial tumours bulk-billed by their GPs. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” confessed one devil who wished only to be known as ‘Beelzebub’. “I could say something about cutting off your nose to spite your face but, umm, ouch.” Treasurer Gutwein said threatened species funding was available but the priority moving forward was the iconic helicopterus highrollerpalooza whose habitat needed to be re-established in wilderness areas.
Sticking with the theme of making wildlife pay its way, Mr Gutwein said the government was looking at selling advertising space on Bruny Island white wallabies. “When people go to visit Tasmania’s remote places,” he explained, “I think what they are really hoping to see is ads for game fishing charters and boutique distilleries hopping through the bushes.”
Meanwhile in other political news the summary offence of LS Swear Jar has been introduced to the penal code. Under this provision, anyone making a complimentary remark about Leo Schofield will be fined up to $10,000 and/or three months’ imprisonment for a first offence. A second offence will be punished by deportation to Queensland and two free tickets to the Brisbane Baroque.
• Leo Schofield, in Comments: You’re welcome Leo. It’s shaping up to be an incredible program. See you in Brisbane. The other Leo
