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Tasmania’s Fox Eradication Program (FEP) is set to boom with lucrative pitches being made to other jurisdictions. Craig Elliott of FEP said his team were all set to bid to clear the scourge of giraffes from Victoria under the proposed Giraffe Removal Advanced Biosecurity (GRAB) project.

“Just imagine what an infestation of giraffes could do to Melbourne’s famous tram network,” warned Mr Elliott. Despite little concrete evidence of giraffes, Elliott said there had been a credible sighting of several giraffes near the basketball stadium by a paranoiac one-eyed lush on a moonless night. “Nevertheless it’s unlikely any carcasses will be found as our studies of giraffe behaviour show that when one of the herd dies its companions cut it up with a silent electric chainsaw and then drop the pieces into a burger mincer at the nearest McDonalds,” he explained. “Look at a map of the distribution of McDonalds and you’ll get an idea of how widespread the giraffe problem is.”

In order to fully eradicate giraffes, the $6million annual cash GRAB would follow an initial set up fee of $13 million, plus $2.4 million for import and distribution of giraffe scats for testing and analysis purposes. “Every time we locate a scat of interest, our Suspected Hazard Investigation Team (SHIT) will make sure it is rapidly processed through our experienced Forensic Action Network (FAN). Results will be distributed across the state.”

Another one-off grant of $3 million was required for the the ‘It’s No Laugh, Report That Giraffe!’ public awareness campaign and just $4.7 million for a giant animatronic fire-breathing giraffe to feature in the 2014 Moomba Parade. Toting their impressive record in fox eradication on the island, Elliott also pointed to FEP’s swingeing blade in wiping out polar bears on the trip across Bass Strait and said the benefits of GRAB would provide “immeasurable value for the Victorian state budget, in the same way they have for Tasmania.”

GRAB expected to seek permits to lay 1080 baits, most notably on top of slides in childrens’ playgrounds. “That’s the safest place to put them, as any bycatch of dead children will fall to the ground completely unharmed,” Elliott said. He also envisaged a need to drop 1080 directly into drinking water reservoirs in order to catch giraffes wishing to avoid detection by treading water for the expected duration of the 50-year eradication project.

Meanwhile a version of the original FEP is currently under consideration in the United States. Although the proposal to eliminate the scourge of Fox News has been welcomed in some quarters, Elliott noted that the job was enormous. “These conniving right-wing hacks are pretty much made of poison, they’re nigh immune to everything. Hence our strategy is to bait them with progressive social policy and then wait for them to self-combust in tornadoes of bile. Legalisation of gay marriage, for example, is almost ready for deployment but longer term we’d like to be baiting with a welfare-dependent Latino immigrant female Muslim Republican candidate for President in 2016.”