Hobart’s alternative music scene is taking inspiration from the rise of unlikely politician Clive Palmer. Recent weeks have seen the formation of a number of new bands experimenting with the innovative thrash metal genre dubbed ‘coalcore’. Exponents say the key features of the style are being very loud, saying nothing coherent and using broken guitars as shovels to dump large amounts of dirty money on the audience.
“There’s nothing like filthy lucre!” exclaimed Thunderwank frontman Lazarus Howard Bypass. “Coalcore is a mashup of megaphone diplomacy, big dollars, conspiracy theories, primary colours and fat jokes. It’s all about ca$h capitali$m as art.”
Thunderwank are headlining a Palmer United Party benefit concert to be held this Saturday, possibly on board a coal barge captained by a papier-mache statue of Billy Hughes sailing up and down the Derwent. Other acts featuring in the all-star show include Odious Wing-Wang, Circle Twerk, Titanik, Starry Starry Lignite and the world’s first coalcore burlesque queen, Jacqueline Lambiengton With Whipped Kream On Topz.
Despite initial rumours that the concert would free, Lazarus conceded the event was in fact all about money. “Patrons will receive $50 at the entrance, although those through the doors before 11pm will get $100. Bar prices are quite reasonable with people being paid $5 per beer, $4 per shot and $8 per cocktail of threatened lawsuits and outrageous demands. Plus $10 per tweet saying you’re having a good time.”
Plans to have new Palmer United ally Ricky Muir in attendance had to be shelved after the Motoring Enthusiast Party senator mysteriously disappeared. Unconfirmed reports say he may have drowned while trying to drive his ute across Bass Strait. A close friend, however, said Mr Muir was concerned his roo poo throwing was inadequate preparation for the parliamentary role he is about to undertake. “Yeah, he just wants to spend some time learnin’ to chuck bigger chunks of shit, yanno?” said the source.
Meanwhile new Tasmanian PUP senator Jacqui Lambie said she would be delighted to attend if Clive Palmer said she would be delighted to attend. Clive Palmer said the Australian Electoral Commission was run by Mossad, that cyclists should be rounded up and flown to Manus Island, that Bill Shorten was the love child of Uri Geller and Bronwyn Bishop, that he had hired a lobbyist to campaign against paid lobbyists, and that Jacqui Lambie would be delighted to attend. Although unable to come himself, Mr Palmer said he would be in Hobart in December to stand on stop of Mt Wellington so Hobartians could have Carols By Candlelight in proper darkness.
