Tasmania’s newest political sporting franchise launched today amid great fanfare.
The Southern SharkJumpers official name, colours and playing uniform were revealed at the gala event spread across six locations around the state.
The new club was awarded a spot in the National Sharkjumping League after what the League’s CEO Andrew Dill said was “a remarkable upturn in jumping the shark” in Tasmania.
Premier Jeremy ‘Jezza’ Sharkliff was strongly beaming at the strong launch, which he proclaimed a great day in the history of the state as he distributed a dead cat to each fan present.
“We’ve always had our doubters, and the fight has been long and hard, but today we’ve proved that we can jump the shark with the best of them,” he said. “And, if I do say so myself, I have taken a leadership role in that regard.”
The new logo, featuring a shark leaping over an ambulance driving off a ramp into a chocolate fountain, was designed by a homeless man who was not paid for the work. He was, however, generously informed that he would not have to pay to watch the television inside his tent.
With regard to the team colours, SharkJumpers’ CEO Dorothy Dix’em said it too had been a difficult choice.
“In the end we went with the colours of a major political party,” she explained. “We want fans from across Tasmania to get right behind the team, and what could be more Tasmanian than selling out to some hard-headed moneythumper in a bad suit?”
Jezza Sharkliff strongly noted that if fans weren’t happy with the team’s performance, they could leave.
“If they at some point become disillusioned with Sharkdom, it’s our strong promise to forcibly transfer their membership to a new fan of our choice,” he said strongly.
“That’s the way democracy works, because we say so.”
The strong launch menu was highlighted by barrels of pork, toxic salmon and New Norfolk moonshine, served by a high-vis army of 12-year-old cadet waiters. The waiters were also not paid for their work, but were given a Get Out Of Ashley Free card valid for use any time until its planned shutdown in 2124.
Jezza Sharkliff modelling the new jersey as he pours the club-branded beer, Hammerhead.
The SharkJumpers hope to play at a 23,000-seater indoor pool stadium floating in the middle of Dove Lake and accessible only by nuclear-powered cable car, although the venue as yet has no design, no plan, no permit, insufficient funding, a negative business case, no social licence, and is considered a ridiculous monument to bad policy by three-quarters of sentient beings in the known universe.
Also enlivening the event was a conga line of cheerleaders including the Chamber of Horrors Commerce and Industry, the Mining and Energy Council, the Tourism Industry Council, the Master Builders and the Hotels Association, all proudly wearing the party team colours.
Special guest Scott ‘Scott’ Morrison entertained the supporters by diving from a stack of bibles into a pool of shark-infested memes, from which he emerged with five secret portfolios and a low-carb word salad.
“Go Sharkies!” Morrison and Sharkliff yelled in unison as they cut the ribbon and a giant balloon of SharkJumped hot-air promises floated off into the sky.
The balloon later burst and strangled a seal in Bass Strait, which was mercifully euthanased by Huon Aquaculture with 37 bean bag rounds.
