The federal government today confirmed its plans to have achieved 500,000 vaccine rollout announcements by the end of March.

“I’m pleased to announce that we are well on track to meet our vaccine announcement target,” said Prime Minister Scott Morrison at a press conference in Canberra.

“There was a brief delay while we received regulatory approval from Craig Kelly for more vaccine announcements, but we are now back in full swing.”

The PM made no mention of the actual vaccine, but reassured the media that the announcements were rolling off the production lines at specially built facilities.

“We have a range of options available,” he explained. “We have Astra Zeneca announcements, we have Pfizer announcements, and we are looking to speculate on Novavax announcements very soon.”

“All our announcements are being produced, or going to be produced, right here in Australia,” Morrison added.

The PM noted that distribution is also an issue.

“Most can be distributed cold, but some of these announcements need to be warmed up to the temperature of fresh horseshit.”

The PM also confirmed that extra staff were being added across the country to ensure smooth delivery of vaccine announcements in the coming months.

“I can reassure all Australians, all Australians, that if you have a go you’ll get a go-to announcement.”

Morrison was therefore optimistic that while the 21st century’s most dangerous pandemic rages around the globe, most Australians will be able to receive a government vaccine announcement by direct injection into their veins by the end of the year.

A staffer later clarified however that the provision will not apply to those on JobKeeper and JobSeeker, who will lose their vaccine announcement entitlements at the end of March.

She also underlined the the federal Coalition’s vaccine announcements were shown in clinical pub bar trials to be 95% effective against the truth, ie. that Australia is yet to actually vaccinate a single person against COVID-19.

“Good for those handful of countries that have made a head-start,” she said, “but frankly we are not Argentina, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Bermuda, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Gibraltar, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Isle of Man, Israel, Italy, Kuwait, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malta, Mexico, Myanmar, Netherlands, Norway, Oman, Panama, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Serbia, Seychelles, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom or the United States.”*

* All countries that, as of time have publication, have collectively administered 86 million doses of different COVID-19 vaccines.