New Prime Minister
Malcolm Turnbull has promised that his leadership will pay greater attention to Tasmania. “I’ll certainly be eating more than an onion when I visit,” he pledged. “These are important policy matters, hence we don’t want to rush them, but it’ll probably be a bowl of organic blueberries with King Island double cream topped with a leatherwood honey quinoa wafer and whisky-infused saffron stamens.
“Possibly a Freycinet late harvest riesling on the side, although I’m reluctant to make a captain’s pick on that one.”
Mr Turnbull said he saw great potential to improve Tasmanian exports of a range of key commodities, but said that the past approach had not had the correct emphasis. Under the Australia-Somewhere Free Trade Agreement, so secret that Australian negotiators are unaware of who the partner country is, some new industries are set to boom. “Whereas previously we had trouble flogging our overpriced woodchips to Anywhere,” Turnbull explained, “we are expecting that Somewhere will become a major market for the products of the future, like top hats and gold watch fobs.”
On the controversy surrounding Tasmania’s World Heritage Areas and other environmental concerns, the PM admitted that he would have a better idea about the issues after visiting Tasmania for the first time. “I have a well-documented love of the great outdoors,” he said. “My last scenic flight over Antarctica was simply divine, particularly the boat race with Dom Perignon every time we spotted a whaling ship hosing down Sea Shepherd activists.”
Mr Turnbull made a vague attempt to dispel rumours that he is going to make a major push to revive the republican debate in Australia. “Of course I remain a committed republican myself, but things need to play out in their own time.” According to the PM he would still ‘opportunistically’ like to keep the issue in people’s minds. “On my visit to Hobart I might for example stop in at the Republic Bar and say hello, I think that would be appropriate. I’m sure they have great caviar and fine recitals in their parlor,” he said.
An aide for the Prime Minister said dates had not yet been confirmed for his visit to Tasmania. “As soon as the Navy complete work on refitting a frigate as the official state yacht, we’ll be on our way,” she said. “In theory it’s pretty straightforward, but we need to have a collegiate cabinet discussion in Menzian liberal fashion about whether to pork barrel South Australia or Victoria for the refit.”
