Tasmanian football fans are celebrating tonight with the announcement that the State has been granted a licence to field an AFL team from 2016 onwards.
The team, which will be known as the Tassie Ice Warriors, will be sponsored by a syndicate of anonymous methamphetamine producers from around the State. A spokesperson for AFL Tasmania made the following statement:
“Although Tasmania has always been a strong AFL State, our relatively low population and lack of wealth compared to mainland States has always held us back. To get a team off the ground will cost around 45 million. We’d always hoped that Gunns Timber would get behind a team, so when they went belly up we thought we were buggered. We also approached that Walsh bloke who runs MONA, but he told us in no uncertain terms that he thinks football is for dickheads.
Then last week, we were contacted by a statewide business syndicate who indicated they had the cash and were prepared to back us all the way. Initially we were sceptical about the potential bad PR of having a team in a national competition sponsored by drug lords, but once they brought in several wheelie bins of cash and we sampled the product, we were sold.’
The final hurdle faced before next season is to find a coach. At this stage, it is understood that James Hird is the favourite with Ben Cousins his probable assistant.
‘It’s perfect timing really. With pre season training only a few months away, we aren’t going to have the time to bulk the players up by conventional means, so the coaching staff will be able to work with the sponsors to fast track the process. We’re also looking at a few initiatives to provide marketing opportunities for the sponsors, with free product samples given out during junior coaching clinics and school visits and also thrown into the crowd during half time breaks.’
