Same-sex marriage could likely ruin the experience of childhood for most Australian youth, said Bass MP Andrew Nikolic in a blistering press conference today.
“Generations of kids have grown up with Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill,” he stated firmly. “Not Jack And George Went Up Cataract Gorge.” “And,” he added, “let’s not even enter into salacious gossip about what happened when Jill And Beyoncé Went Frolicking To Freycinet.”
The Federal member questioned whether Tasmanian society was best served by learning about tolerance and equality. “If children grow up thinking they can marry anyone, how will we enforce the traditional class distinctions of this brutal island?” he asked rhetorically. “How will we convince the flanneletted munts to stay loyal to their dim tribe and not be flirtatious with prosperity?” the MP argued.
Rather than marriage quality, Mr Nikolic said, the priorities of the Australian parliament should be discussing MP pay rises, seeking issues to distract from the inhumane treatment of refugees, developing innovative ways to nobble the renewable energy industry and extending the rollout of fascist blackshirt uniforms to more government departments.
“And the cable car will stop running. Forestry Tasmania will stop making huge profits. Leo Schofield will come back. Our beaches won’t be open in winter, possums won’t invade your roofspace and the weather forecasts for Launceston won’t be consistently hideously wrong by ten degrees,” shrieked Mr Nikolic, elaborating why same-sex marriage would spell doom for Tasmania.
He also worried that changes to the definition of marriage would open up a Pandora’s box of undesirable social outcomes. “We could have Liberals marrying Greens, for example,” he said. “How would their offspring properly trash the planet if they actually care about it?”
In other Tasmanian political news, newly-appointed Commissioner For The Asian Century Senator Eric Abetz has written to the US War Museum seeking to ‘correct an item of political history, hitherto incorrectly assigned.’
In Mr Abetz’s submission, the aircraft which dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima should properly be referred to as ‘Enola Shirtlifter.’ The US State Department declined to provide a specific comment, although it said it was assessing the senator’s request in seven different colours.
