During long Arctic-like winters when the only thing working in our household was the popcorn popper, father sometimes held a special court … always after supper.
He was a known raconteur and he and Grandma took joy in out-doing the other in tales of old times in Pennsylvania or The Mines.
In addition, Grandpa’s tales of the Johnstown Flood of 1889 were remarkable. A most memorable series developed sometime around the long, unforgiving winter of 1937-38. Father, always involved in left-wing politics and a member of the Wobblies, shoved his chair back and lit up one of his insufferable Marvel cigarettes. The deadly fumes, which would one day take his life, were the price we had to pay to hear his stories.
I remember one night vividly as we all pushed our chairs back after mother’s gargantuan meal. Father said and we listened carefully: “If I were God … I know Mabel says I am not but, IF I WERE GOD…My car would have a never-fail starter and the solenoid switch would always work without my pouring gallons of boiling hot water over the damn engine. Horace (the car’s name) would always start, even though covered with snow like it is tonight.”
“And, IF I were God, politicians would work as volunteers and our rutted roads would not be mud holes in the spring time. I would not have to worry about potato blight and my garden would have no chewing bugs … or rabbits nor would the railroad shut down every autumn and open five months later. I would get year around employment.” Such a beginning, especially when the apple dessert and home-made ice cream was being served meant a long post-dinner series of stories. The more questions I had the later I could stay up. I shan’t go deeper into father’s wants and hopes but the phrase, “If I were God…” has stuck with me for nearly eighty years. I still play that winter game in my head…If I were God…
Fast forward to 2015! Minnesota is half way around the world and just emerging from another endless winter and I am living in Tasmania, Australia with no harsh winter storms of ice and snow. However, IF I WERE GOD, I assure Joan I am NOT God but only god-like; there is a difference, there would be no silly and inane state-wide Targa road race scaring the populace and knocking trees over … nor ANY race cars for that matter and especially no F1s. Dirt bikes and pumpkin soup would be illegal and going to the dentist to have your teeth cleaned would never happen. Water would be free like air.
IF I WERE GOD … my macro-degenerating and fading eyes would see things clearly again and my two heart pacers would not need to be rejigged and harmonized regularly. Politicians would not play with my health insurance. The grass would be replaced with a living sod that was always green and short…with no couch grass.
IF I WERE GOD, my fly would always remain zipped except for the too-frequent times the diuretic pills kicked-in. My ingrown toenails, bum knees and hips would not hurt and politicians would keep their appointed office hours instead of leaving a note on the door stating: EMERGENCY…SORRY!!! Preachers would prepare sermons for someone other than a kindergarten drop-out and coffee prices would be reduced to no more than fifty cents a cup.
IF I WERE GOD, check-out workers in stores would automatically be struck dumb if they once more said, “Are you having a good day?” The damned cop at the corner in the unmarked black car would have permanent flat tires. 4W drivers would be charged twice as much, no FOUR times, for petrol and they would not be able to park on the street. Police radar would no longer work. Shooters of ducks, deer and kangaroos would have to pay an exorbitant price for their licences and give half of their ‘take’ to old people like ourselves. Taxis would be fully paid. And ham would not be allowed on pizzas … nor would fish. Vegemite would be labelled a dangerous drug and kept in the gun closet to protect children.
IF I WERE GOD, banks would be forced to give back (especially to us pensioners) much of their profits. In my new Divine Apparel l would one day hear a doctor say, “I am sorry, I know nothing about your disease. Why not try Dr Amundson down the street? He is better than I.” It would be illegal to put beet root in a hamburger. And dry South Australian red wine would never be more than ten cents a litre.
Politicians would quit saying some of the following or lose their pants as well as their tongues: “I believe … I am confident … the other parties did this … It is not our fault … we are the best country in the world … we have the best military in the world … that is in the courts so I cannot say a thing. Call my office, we are here to help you.”
The list is endless. IF YOU WERE GOD or, just god-like, how would you make the world a kinder, gentler place and WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
