Tas film industry taking off

*Pic: Along more traditional lines is ‘Forest Dump’, in which an idiot savant chops down all Tasmania’s native forests to demonstrate his unrequited love for the woman he adores, Erica Betts,

Tasmania’s film industry looks set to boom with a raft of Hollywood classics about to be remade on the island in the coming years. Producer Lars Triel said directors were increasingly being drawn to Tasmania by the lure of nothing much, set against a backdrop of nothing going on. “All this blank canvas is very exciting artistically,” he enthused. “And the nature of Tasmanian society is a perfect fit for a gentler reinterpretation of some big name films.”

The first production underway is ‘A Nightcap On Elm Street’. Several grumpy pensioners in a retirement village in Claremont are brought cups of camomile tea by a softly-spoken carer named Herbie Krueger. Despite suffering burns in a horrific Earl Grey incident several years previously, Krueger keeps the residents awake with nagging offers of yet another milk arrowroot biscuit.

The slasher theme continues with the shooting of ‘Texas Chainsaw Scone-Tasting At The CWA’ later this year. In this remake, a psycopath in a Joe Hockey mask disrupts a Country Women’s Association meeting by a brandishing a rusty mixmaster and thinking impure thoughts about the royal family, and the butts of their relatives.

In a remake of the 1980’s Australian classic, a child performer will star alongside the pivotal character of uncle George Harris The WoodWormer in ‘Careful He Might Bore You’. Set in 1950’s Huonville, the movie will be shot in 2014 Huonville with the fire extinguishers repainted a more period shade of red. It tells the story of the child, BS, trapped in a custody battle between loggers, carpetbaggers and good-ol’-boys, each competing to win the child’s affection with ever grander promises of forest industry subsidies. “This one is a guaranteed tearjerker,” said Triel, “especially if you are a Tasmanian taxpayer.”

Hollywood hardman Bruce Willis has been enticed Down Under to star in an action film, ‘Lie Hard’. Willis features as Tony Abbott, an off-duty Jesuit cop who saves Australia from a terrorist group plotting to introduce free and universal tertiary education. Triel said he was confident Lie Hard would find a big following. “We’re already working on a sequel with the working title of ‘Lie Hard 2: Lie Harder’, featuring an evil climate scientist cartel trying to hijack a planeload of climate deniers about to fly from Hobart to Alaska to shoot polar bears.” He noted that Japanese investors were wild about the pic and had already contributed fifty million yen and ten tonnes of ‘research’ whale meat to fund the project.

Along more traditional lines is ‘Forest Dump’, in which an idiot savant chops down all Tasmania’s native forests to demonstrate his unrequited love for the woman he adores, Erica Betts, who nonetheless only repays his affection with a Murray St steamer. International producers are getting excited about the prospects of ‘A Clockwork Apple’, in which a brutal young delinquent is unable to be rehabilitated despite programmed exposure to privatisation agendas and QANGOs puffed up with state government monies. And ‘Tasmaniator 2: Judgement Day’ features the Tasmanian populace’s underdog battle against a vicious robot from the future made of liquid promises.

State Government Minister for the Arts Vanessa Goodwin said she looked forward to lots of great photo opportunities in the coming years. “And in the end, when it all goes down in a heap and owes local creditors a Hollywood motza, we’ll just blame Labor and the Greens for encouraging this kind of nonsense,” she enthused.