Tasmanian Police have expressed extreme concern at rival biker gangs setting up in the capital. A spokesperson said it was a worst-case-scenario with the rival Cannondaleros and BMX Banditos both staking territory in South Hobart.
A major incident broke out at an address in Strickland Avenue last Thursday when two Cannondalero cyclists refused to acknowledge the Banditos colours as they whizzed past a man labouring up the hill on a jerrybuilt cargo trike decorated with stickers lauding the cycling activist group C-Shepherd. Live incense cones were thrown and several local residents, armed with hand-made jewellery and smoked tofu and screaming abuse about the zen of single-gear fixies, had to be restrained by the riot squad. Five arrests were made and the accused will face charges in the Magistrates Court of aggravated furious cycling.
Anecdotal evidence from residents suggests that the linear park along the Hobart Rivulet has become a prime ground for confrontation between the gangs. “I wouldn’t walk along there any later than 4pm,” said one anonymous resident nervously to Tasmanian Times. “The gangs are out and about tweetchatsnapgramfaceflickrbooking each other. And one day I barely escaped being asked to tie a loose end by a BMX Bandito crocheting a bike seat cover.”
Webcam footage and videos shared on BooHooTube demonstrate the Cannondaleros have been trying to muscle in on the area by keeping their tyres pumped up, changing gears very loudly just to show how very many they’ve got, displaying gang colours of tight lycra at every opportunity and talking ostentatiously about the Tour de Cascade while posing for selfies in front of the brewery. Rumours abound that their unofficial clubhouse is a Pilates studio called The Clip-In where new gang members are initiated by being taught how to tap dance in cycle cleats.
Sociologist Dave E. Street said he had always expected the Banditos would not react well to incursions. “At best we might have hoped for a discount yoga voucher slipped anonymously in the letterbox or a ride-by sprinkling of organic quinoa over the fence,” he explained. “But it’s deteriorated beyond that already. The Banditos have taken a collective vow not to fart until 2015, in order to deny compressed air to any passing cyclist. The situation is very volatile.”
Meanwhile Police appear concerned that a third faction, the Mark Chopper Read Dostoyevsky Or Die gang, might destabilise the balance of power. Intelligence sources are believed to be keeping a close eye on sales of baklava and single-origin coffee varieties in the lead-up to the state election lest anarchy be brewing in the cafes of Macquarie St. The Police spokesperson conceded that movements of electric bicycles may be being monitored ‘for research purposes’.
