Tim Squires image, http://timsquires.com/
This Tasmanian tiger is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the cage ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies!
‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig!
‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!
The news recently that the Monty Python comedy team is rising from the dead to present a new series of shows gives hope to their many fans that the famous dead parrot joke from the 1960s will be updated for the 21st century.
If the Pythons need new material there could be no more bizarre and farcical notion than that the thylacine somehow survives in the wilds of Tasmania and is just waiting to be rediscovered after 70-odd years.
With apologies to John Cleese and Michael Palin, Don Knowler rewrites their sketch.
Man walks into a pet shop with an apparently lifeless thylacine under his arm.
“I wish to make a complaint about This Tasmanian tiger, you sold me.”
Shopkeeper: “Ah, the Smithton stripe. What’s wrong with it?”
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.
Look, matey, I know a dead tiger when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable pet, the Smithon stripe, idn’it, ay? Beautiful fur!
The fur don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!
All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up!
The customer shouts at the cage.
‘Ello, Mister Smithton Stripe! I’ve got a lovely fresh possum for you if you show…
(shop owner hits the cage)
There, he moved!
No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!
I never!!
Yes, you did!
I never, never did anything…
The customer yells and hits the cage repeatedly. ‘ELLO STRIPEY! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(The customer takes the thylacine out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Now that’s what I call a dead tiger.
No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!
STUNNED?!?
Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Smithton stripes stun easily.
Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That tiger is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged growl.
Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for Cradle Mountain.
PININ’ for CRADLE MOUNTAIN?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall over the moment I got ‘im home?
The Smithon Stripe prefers kippin’ on its back! Remarkable pet, id’nit, squire? Lovely fur!
Look, I took the liberty of examining that tiger when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in its cage in the first place was that it had been NAILED to the floor.
Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that tiger down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ’em apart with its claws, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
“VOOM”?!? Mate, this tiger wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!
No no! ‘E’s pining!
‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This Tasmanian tiger is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the cage ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies!
‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig!
‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!!
THIS IS AN EX-TIGER!!
Well, I’d better replace it, then.
(The pet shop owner takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of tigers.
I got a swift parrot.
*Don Knowler has found a publisher for his book on roadkill, Riding the Devil’s Highway, which will be published next year.
