Bad Taste: Food Festival on the Ropes

Preparations for the Taste festival have been thrown into disarray after a planned series of cooking demonstrations using feral and pest animals had to be abandoned. The program began to unravel when the Fox Eradication Program said it would not be able to produce any foxes for the guest chefs.

“What the fuck’s going on?!” exploded celebrity presenter Gordon Ramsay upon hearing he would be unable to demonstrate his classic foxtail soup at Tasmania’s premier gourmet occasion. “Fuck me. Who the fuck do you have to fuck around here to find out what the fuck these fucking fucknuts have fucked up this fucking time on the most fucked fucking island halfway to fucking Antarctica? It’s fucking ridiculous. Fucking hell.”

The FEP stated it was disappointed that its sponsored 1080 Stage event had been scrapped due to it having insufficient fox carcasses to supply, and that it was not its fault that ‘high-falutin chefs’ were too fussy to concoct something tasty from inported DNA samples, thin air, fox scats, blurry video footage of empty traps and secondhand innuendo. The FEP blamed an oven malfunction for its predicament and promised to properly half-bake a range of evidence in time for next year’s festival.

Furthermore an alternative plan to have gourmet farmer Matthew Evans butcher a bush pig had to be cancelled when Jan Davis made herself unavailable to attend. Peter McGlone of the Tasmanian Conservation Trust also offered to do something with feral cats, but Taste management said running over them on the kitchen stage with his 4-wheel-drive was not exactly cuisine… and probably not art either, despite David Walsh really liking it.

Meanwhile politicians in the kitchen cabinet at the festival are to be led by the Greens’ Nick McKim who promised to conjure something tasty from Forcett peas. “We tried making an agreement from Forcett peas and frankly it wasn’t that palatable,” he admitted. “Although we did try serving it in the Legislative Council and have most members swallow it, in the office we jokingly refer to it as forced peas.” McKim promised that Forcett peas was very worthwhile, indeed a crucial supplier of nutrients in lo-cal world heritage areas. “All we are saying, is give peas a chance,” he added.

Tania Rattray MLC admitted she’d never been to a cooking demonstration, but said she might consider going to one if it was held in a McDonalds at the summit of Mt Wellington.