HOW TO VOTE FORMALLY
According to the Australian Electoral Commission ( http://www.aec.gov.au ), a formal vote for the House of Representatives will be lodged when the voter numbers ALL boxes on the ballot paper in order of preference. For example, if there are 8 candidates the numerals 1 to 8 must be used. A voter who leaves one box blank, but who otherwise numbers the boxes 1 to 7 will be considered to have numbered the remaining box ‘8’ and the vote will be formal.
A formal for the Senate can be lodged in two ways. First, voters may select the party/group of their choice by numbering the appropriate box with the numeral 1 ‘above the line’. Their preferences will be determined by that party/group.
Second, voters may number all boxes ‘below the line’ in their order of preference. This will be necessary if their preferred candidates do not have an ‘above the line’ option, or they may choose to diverge from the preferences determined by their ‘above the line’ choice. In Tasmania in 2013 there are 54 Senate candidates, so a formal vote will require careful numbering from 1 to 54 if this option is chosen.
HOW TO VOTE A DIFFERENT WAY
If the options above do not appeal to you, the following are some alternative suggestions:
FOR THE SENATE
1. Look for a booth with a sharp voting pencil. Use the tip of the pencil to make a series of holes, in straight lines, dividing the Senate ballot paper into segments. Take your perforated ballot paper and roll it carefully into a cylinder, and voila – cheap, scratchy, but generously-sized toilet paper.
2. Fashion an origami version of the Titanic from the upper house voting sheet, and write something appropriate about Mr Clive Palmer’s mental faculties along the side.
3. Write a short, but raunchy essay, in the style of Fifty Shades of Gray, on the back of the Senate paper. Leave it unfinished, with something like – Darius drew her gently to him, and pressed her heaving bosom against his naked chest. They sighed together, and their lips met slowly. The touch was electrifying. His hands slid surely down her body, caressing its fulsome curves, until…..
4. Alternatively, write a lengthy (you have the space) and informative dissertation on the life cycle of the land snail Discocharopa mimosa – be sure to reference Dr Bonham.
5. Tear, twist and scrunch the ballot paper into a life size bust of Eric Abetz. Write something appropriate about Uncle Eric’s laugh-a-minute personality across the forehead, in Old High German text. (Eric isn’t up for re-election this time around, but he’s always good for a giggle and he’s sort of synonymous with Tasmania’s Liberal presence in the Senate).
6. Take some coloured pencils and draw a Twister game for very small people on the back of the ballot paper.
7. Tear the ballot paper carefully in half. Fashion one half into an envelope, and write a romantic, but tortured note in purple ink on the other half – use lots of flowery language about unassuaged passion and fevered lust. Address it to Eric Abetz.
8. Make a mega paper sausage roll. Tear the ballot paper in half. Colour one half meaty brown and fashion it into a log shape. Colour the other half pastry beige and wrap it around the ‘meat’ filling. Decorate with loads of red texta saucy dribbles.
9. Draw a garment pattern on the blank side of the ballot. Something useful, like an evening gown for a poodle.
10. Write out the novel-sized recipe for one of those ridiculous dishes you see on reality cooking shows where the contestants have to reproduce in 10 minutes something it’s taken some wanky chef with heaps of hats, or stars, or stripes, 20 years to perfect. Fold it around a picture of your own faultless attempt with the caption – ‘Here’s one I whipped up in five minutes earlier today’.
FOR THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
1. Use your voting pencil to make a rubbing of all the loose change in your pocket. Write ‘This is what you lot are really worth’ across your artwork.
2. Tear the ballot paper into appropriate sizes and decorate the pieces like currency. Draw a cartoon picture of yourself wearing a crown, and write ‘Legal tender of (your suburb)’ underneath. Make each note worth 1 000 000 000 gizmos.
3. Make anagrams of all the candidates’ names and draw an alternative ballot on the back of the paper. This is hard, so use an internet anagram maker, like www.wordsmith.org. For example, ‘Tanya Denison’ has 12616 anagrams, including ‘dainty as neon’ and ‘toadies nanny’. Have fun with it!
4. Scrunch and tear to fashion a small jellyfish. Write ‘We need candidates with backbone’ in tiny letters along the tentacles.
5. Pretend you are a wealthy Nigerian and write a letter promising to transfer $200 million to the account of the most gracious person who will contact them immediately to assist them to do the good works of their sainted, but sadly imprisoned uncle. Leave a false email address like [email protected].
6. Cover the back of the ballot paper with a colour drawing of a cliched Tassie landmark, like the Casino, or Mt Wellington. Make it look like a postcard, and write ‘visit Tasmania – where the scenery’s great and the locals get screwed’ in flowery script across the artwork.
7. Write some election-appropriate Haiku poems, like –
They come so eager to vote
The leaders they trust
Fools are so easily bought
8. Design a new Tasmanian flag – maybe red, green and blue stripes to represent our three major parties. Oh, hang on – that would be an indistinct dirty brown, wouldn’t it?
9. Write a for lease ad for number 10 Murray Street – For Lease – one heavy duty concrete building in a busy part of Hobart. Limited useful life, but may be subject to extension if current owners can’t work out how to bring it down, or can’t afford to.
10. Draw a replica of the Australian Electoral Commission homepage. Write – ‘this is where to go if you want to complain about having to vote’ underneath it.
*The Subversive Voter is known to the Editor, who takes responsibility for election comment, here
