Bowen Determined To Undermine Himself

Interim Labor leader Chris Bowen announced today he had no option but to destabilise himself given that it has been over a week since any leadership tension. “With the official leadership ballot still a month away, we need to return the party to situation normal as soon as possible,” he declared. “And that means bovver-boy biff over the top job.”

Pausing to stab himself between the shoulder blades, call himself a poncy fecaloid smellsmock and shoot his left foot off with a blunderbuss, Chris Bowen accused the office of Chris Bowen as being the source of damaging leaks about the conduct of the recent election campaign. “There’s a clear pattern in this behaviour and it’s only the interests of Chris Bowen being advanced.”

Chris Bowen meanwhile hit back at his own undermining tactics and labelled himself a disloyal egomaniac who smells like the fish market during a cleaners strike “Look, if Bowen thinks he can get away with this, he’s wrong. The party cannot stand by and allow this kind of treachery to go unpunished.” Bowen threatened to stack his own branch and disendorse himself if the misbehaviour continued.

Bowen claimed his destabilisation was only aimed at reassuring the remaining ALP members – all 7 of them including the office cat, Chifley – that the party still stood for something and even in defeat was able to remain true to its roots. He promised juicy revelations about a scandal involving ‘that dissembling pithninny’ Bowen, an expensive call-girl, a dead bandicoot and Peter Slipper. And to punch himself upside the head on national television, daily.

Not sent from an iPhone, I just wrote it in the air with my finger.