Abbott Takes Command Of Lodge Renovation

Tony Abbott has announced the sudden cancellation of previously-scheduled alterations to The Lodge in Canberra. Instead he has formulated a new renovation plan for the official residence of the Prime Minister.

Full-length mirrors will be installed in all rooms so the current PM may better admire himself, a budgie-smuggler drying chamber is to be created in the laundry, and two giant hooks for the PM’s ear warmers will go in the entrance hall.

The heating system will be retrofitted with appropriate climate control. As room temperature rises, a recording of Alan Jones’ voice will automatically proclaim that the warming is not happening. A 3-car garage with piped ‘vroom vroom’ noises is to be provided for the Australian Motoring Enthusiast Party, “just in case they want to drop in every now and then and discuss high octane Senate voting.”

The existing solar hot water service is set to be replaced with a gas powered one. “I’m in favour of fracking under Parliament Hill,” stated Mr Abbott, despite the coal seam being assessed as less gaseous than Corey Bernardi after watching Legally Brown. The PM said he had a mandate to frack, and that Australia would be well and truly fracked by the time he had finished with it.

The Murdoch Room, formerly known as the Presidential Suite, is to be cleared of furniture entirely. “We’ve been told we need to paint a scale on the wall to enable accurate measurement of how high the PM jumps,” explained a spokesman nervously. “And the absence of furnishings is to enable easy cleaning of the room, if, well, err, in the case of what Qantas might call a height achievement separation event.”

The revamped Lodge will also feature a child-care centre. The facility includes a creche for Wyatt Roy, a bouncing castle for Cabinet members and a special cot for Barnaby Joyce to throw the toys out of.

Mr Abbott was at pains to point out that no additional funding would be required for the alterations as cost savings had been identified. “We’ve done away with the women’s toilets,” he said. “There’s no reason female heads of state, first ladies and others who made the wrong gender choice early in life can’t pop over to the AFP common room dunnies if they want to squat. But Australian taxpayers shouldn’t have to be forking out for passing biological fads.”

Mr Abbott also hoped something could be done about the Senate chamber itself. “All that green…so nauseating. I’ve offered the Clerk a few samples from the latest upholstery catalogue.” His personal favourites are reportedly Kroger-Costello Blue, Turn Back The Boats Gunmetal Grey and Climate Denial (Head In) Sand, although in the case of TBTBGG details of the new colour scheme would only be available at weekly briefings.

Meanwhile Hobart entrepreneur Adrian Bold said he thought what The Lodge really needed was a cable car to run 300 metres to the PM’s parliamentary office. “It’s sure to be a major attraction, if only for the iconic view of the staff car park,” he claimed.