Liberal Senator Eric Abetz has leapt to the forefront in the early days of the election campaign with the most combustible flyer of the first salvos.
Independent pollster Bernie Zasov of statistics-cruncher By The Light Of A Shivery Moonah said his analysis had shown Abetz’s rehashed ‘survey’ asking for feedback about the carbon tax made the best firelighter of the week. “And he included a summary of the Coalition’s Something About Whatever Plan, whose claim that carbon emissions will be reduced is clearly fluffy and flatulent enough to keep us all warm this August,” said Zasov.
A close runner-up was Andrew Wilkie’s offer to register you for a postal vote. “No policy detail, which in pokie terms means Wilkie is only playing 1 line on the minimum coin,” commented Zasov. “Surely by the end of the campaign we will see him jackpot-chasing with five lines of spinning pineapples while the Women’s Temperance League knits elbox patches, so for now this flyer goes up the flue.”
Another dubiously-close friend of kindling was Greens Senator Peter Whish-Wilson’s wishy-washy statement of values, clearly prepared long before the election date announcement. “It had obviously been well-hugged, but this flyer was reluctant to relinquish any carbon to the atmosphere,” said the ratings expert. “So not much we can do here. Expecting more paper from the Greens soon…recycled, with vegetable inks, and authorised by an endangered species of minor party Senator.”
Meanwhile it was observed that ALP candidate for Denison, Jane Austin, had yet to provide any election leaflets. “Presumably the Labor Party has burned its own house down that many times in recent years that there is no longer any combustible material left at headquarters,” surmised Zasov. “Although I think we might see some smoke soon. And mirrors. Just like on Budget night.”
On a brighter note, independent candidate for Bass Tom Ellison managed to create a puff of smoke without distributing any flyers at all. “Trashing his own campaign on day 1 was dramatic, but quite entertaining,” said Zasov. “A bit like boy scouts shoving each other in the campfire, it was pretty much bound to happen and not much long-term damage done.”
Zasov assured winter-weary residents of Tasmania that more eminently-combustible freebies were heading for their letterboxes soon. “No need to pay $70 a ute for firewood to Jacko from Berriedale, a month’s worth of wood is to be delivered in envelopes between now and September 7. There’s something comfortably warming about democracy…enjoy.”
Not sent from an iPhone, I just wrote it in the air with my finger.
