Rudd: Australia Is At War

Prime Minister Rudd formally declared war on refugees today when he announced that people arriving by boat would be treated as enemy combatants. “Their acts of agression against my re-election chances leave me with only one option,” he said.

Under his battle plan, captured enemy members of the Boat People Army would be transferred immediately to Guantanamanus Island in Papua New Guinea. People smugglers, henceforth to be referred to as enemy naval commanders, would be charged with war crimes at a special offshore tribunal, the Kanganauru Court. “These people have committed the most vile crimes against political expediency and an example must be set,” thundered the PM while posing for a selfy with fanboys Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan and John Howard.

Describing himself as ‘an unconventional politician’, Rudd appointed himself as Brigadier Genera Field-Marshall of the Armed Forces as he tore up the UN Refugee Convention and the Geneva Convention. “The only convention I’ll be working with is the NRA convention, where I hope those good American folks can help us out of this jam with a little target practice. We already follow each other on Twitter so it’s more or less a done deal.” He also said that captive refugees would be billed for their imprisonment “as we’re not made of – Hi, I’m Kevin! – orange jumpsuits, yanno.”

Meanwhile the Federal Opposition said Rudd’s initiative was yet another example of his pussyfooting around the issue of asylum seekers. Shadow Kaiser Wing-Commander Generalissimo Tony Abbott demanded that nuclear weapons be pointed at Christmas Island and that the standing army be increased to a million to deal with the clear and presented danger of a few thousand unarmed desperates on rickety wooden boats.

“More army now,” declared Abbott. “No more refugees. Build nuclear weapons. Stop Christmas Island. Australia refugee soft. No more boats. Turn back time. Doo wop wop. Kaboom boom boom. Me Prime Minister.” A spokesman able to manage more than three words at a time explained that the Abbott strategy was to nuke Christmas Island, thus sending a radioactive cloud of phosphate across northern Australia. The short-term effect would be the destruction of Kevin Rudd / Clive Palmer / Bob Katter heartlands and the long-term effect that of fertilising a new food bowl. This would enable Australia to continue to grow a structured immigration program with new residents to be chosen on the basis of their suitability for Institute of Public Affairs membership.

Greens spokesperson on refugee issues Sarah Hanson-Young said she hadn’t been briefed on the latest policy platforms of the other parties but that she was getting ready to be very upset, very quickly and very publicly. Independent Andrew Wilkie stated Australia’s treatment of refugees was shameful and that he was working to ban poker machines from offshore detention centres.

Not sent from an iPhone, I just wrote it in the air with my finger.