A Japanese research program is to be launched by UTAS for the 2013-14 summer semester. Program Director Professor Minky Weill said up to 950 Japanese people would be harvested for scientific purposes.
“The Japanese Alimentary Preference Study (JAPS) will enable us conduct in-depth analysis of the feeding habits of Japanese people,” she explained. “We hope to gain insights into their irrational desire to eat endangered species, as well as uncovering why anyone would think overpriced pellets of seaweed and cold rice wrapped around cat food make a good lunch.”
Prof Weill defended JAPS against accusations of cruelty, stating that Japanese people were plentiful in Tasmania and virtually ‘cockroaches of the sea-food punts’ during the season. “Large pods of the creatures can be found around Salamanca in summer. Our procedure will be to lure weaker individuals away from their groups with golf carts and then humanely shoot them through the head with harpoons. After that we drag them by the camera-straps through the market to our research vessel, usually known by its technical term ‘mother ute’. It’ll be world’s best practice.”
In order to offset research costs, the university is proposing JAPS meat be made available through the university cafetaria. Early reaction to this aspect of the program received cautious support on campus. John, an Antarctic Studies undergraduate, said he might try it out of his commitment to support quality science. “I’ve heard it tastes a bit fishy though. Kind of like Korean, but with better video games.” Meanwhile the Medical Faculty said it was introducing its own Japanese research program with a study on the therapeutic effectiveness of Hello Kitty rectal thermometers.
Conservation group Sea Shepherd declared that it would do its utmost to protect Japanese people and interfere with university hunting teams. Captain Paul Watson said generous donations had allowed them to put together a fast fleet of electric bicycles that they hoped would outmanoeuvre the golf carts.
“If crews get too close to basking Japanese we’ll fling non-lethal organic quinoa at them,” he promised. “Ideally we’d prefer a longer term solution, like a sanctuary where Japanese people can live peacefully watching inane animated comics about schoolgirls. Maybe somewhere around Rokeby.”
