Slade Runs For Pope

Glenorchy Mayor Stuart Slade is confident of a good hearing in front of the conclave in his bid to be appointed Pope, he told Tasmania Times in an exclusive. “Really excited about this,” he enthused while posing for a photo with a homeless meth addict dribbling down his parka. “All those ceremonial uh, dress-ups, whatever they’re called. An international pandering press. Waving; crowds; lots of wafers and good I-tie red; no need to sound coherent…it’s a dream job really.”

He expects some grilling over his lack of religious credentials, however he says he has been practicing hard turning the Derwent River into holy water. “Meh, my first few congregations died of heavy metal poisoning when I slopped it over them but I’m getting better,” Slade claimed. “Quo usque tandem abutere, Stuartus, patientia nostra?” he asked rhetorically.

The Mayor announced his surprise push for Rome’s cushiest numero despite being arrested only last week for loitering in the Glenorchy CBD. Slade was later released after stating to police that he only wanted to appear on the new CCTV cameras rather than have them videoing empty streets.

“Well, I had the cameras installed, and I love having my picture taken, so where better to hang out and get photographed 24 times a second?” explained the Mayor as he emerged from the police station, shoving his lawyer out of the way so The Murkery photographer could get a better shot.

Slade said it was not true that they were really disguised webcams installed by UTAS Faculty of Anthropology to study public grieving processes following the closure of Chickenfeed. Although, as he paused to have his picture taken beside a three-legged dog with ringworms, he did see some merit in showcasing Glenorchy to the world. “People who live in happy, culturally alive places would surely find a pleasing balance in our barren concrete kerbs swept by bitter winds and junk food packaging.”

The Mayor said he was expecting some strong challengers for the papacy but just in case he was deemed not suitable to add the prime portfolio of pontiff to his roles with Glenorchy Council, RACT, Southern Water, Business Continuity Institute of Australia, Moonah Homing Society and The Ancient And Honourable Society Of Berriedale Frumpmudgeons, he would be forging ahead with new Council initiatives. “In this year’s budget we’ll be tripling the amount of money for photo opportunities,” he stated. Concerned that he only had his photo feature 13 times in February’s 20-page edition of the Glenorchy Gazette, Slade described the expanded program of kitten-kissing, citizenship-pledge-bombing, sod-turning, ribbon-cutting and ceremonial-fart-lighting in mayoral robes as ‘a joyous festival of accountability’.

Slade said he had set his steely determination upon becoming the most-photographed Mayor within the Glenorchy City Council area. “Yup, just remember the slogan: Glenorchy. Where Egos Happen.” Or Pope Stu the First.

Notes:
1. Quo usque tandem abutere, Stuartus, patientia nostra? – How long will you abuse our patience, Stuart? (Cicero)

2. The February 2013 Glenorchy Gazette, published by GCC, featured the following photos of Stuart Slade:
p.1 portrait with teaser mini-headline
p.1 SS pushing a pallet of animal food (at Bushfire relief centre, not McDonalds)
p.5 portrait accompanying ‘Mayor’s Message’ column
p.5 SS in Mayoral robes with new citizens
p.5 SS launching CCTV camera system
p.6 SS posing with a bushfire vollie
p.6 SS loading more animal food (daily surplus from the Paris end of Derwent Park)
p.6 SS launching GASP artwork
p.8 SS posing with bright yellow recycling bins
p.10 SS in large citizenship ceremony group. Admittedly he’s very somewhat inconspicuous at the back. But I gotcha, Wally!
p.10 SS in mayoral regalia at the Derwent Entertainment Centre. At least the Derwent part of that is reasonably accurate.
p.11 SS with Australia Day Citizenship Ceremony organising committee members. These are a feature of life in the municipality. Glenorchy: where committees happen.
p.18 portrait shot with GCC councillors’ contact details: stuart@vaticanhereicome.com