These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words –
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d poison your tea.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill – “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. If you have one.”
Winston Churchill, in response – “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… If there is one.”
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Geoff Thompson
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . For support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
Philip Lowe
January 27, 2013 at 01:16
Ah,the quality one liner,’I wish I’d said that’.
George Harris aka Woodworker
January 27, 2013 at 11:28
Not many local examples there, Dave. That doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Have a look at former federal member Fred Daly’s books. My favorite is his dig at Billy Snedden: “He couldn’t lead a flock of homing pigeons!”
Paul Keating had some beauties. My favorite of his was his put-down of Andrew Peacock as he anounced he would stand for the Liberal Party leadership in 1994 as Hewson was on the way out: “Can a souffle rise twice?”
Peacock was beaten by Alexander Downer, who also wasn’t around long, taken down by little Johnny…
tess lawrence
January 29, 2013 at 12:11
Dear DAVE GROVES, thank you for this, I can hardly breathe for laughing.
hugoagogo
January 29, 2013 at 12:45
or Lennie Lower in ‘Here’s Luck’:
“…never let it be said that I had anything derogatory to say of that parrot-brained gorgon”
hugoagogo
January 30, 2013 at 12:19
“…he left an indelible blank on my mind”
Spike Milligan:
hugoagogo
January 30, 2013 at 12:30
#1; The response to your line was a brilliant jibe and the exchange allegedly went like this:
Wilde (upon hearing a teriffic quip by Whistler) “Oh Mr Whistler, I wish I had said that!”
Whistler (anticipating Wilde’s plagiarism) “You will Oscar, you will.”
William Boeder
January 30, 2013 at 23:06
Good to see our best wit quipping forum attendee back in his fullest capacity as a wry comment provider.
In respect and response hugoagogo, do you think that your destructive friends at Forestry Tasmania will win over the good in the ‘human quality stakes?’
As for one-liners I deliver thee with a question, who are those most bent on the destruction of the beautiful real-life pictorial displays painted by Mc Cubbin, Lindsay and that other fellow, Roberts, (who graduated out of the Heidleberg Art School) that really gave all the World the pure Australian landscape essence of our ethereal ‘beautifully forested Australian Bush?’
hugoagogo
January 31, 2013 at 10:05
Billy I think I saw your post at #7 but…erm…see #5.
gizmo
January 31, 2013 at 15:06
#8 touche: Hugo 1, Billy 0
socratesdancing
February 1, 2013 at 19:57
I remember Paul Keating in Parliament at the time when he had just sold his Woollahra house for a considerable profit due to skyrocketing property prices in Sydney…(it was also a ripper 3 or 4 storey one too-boot). Under fire for the sale price he hit back at the (wealthy) Liberal opposition with (and I paraphrase from memory):
‘those opposite seem to think that the only people who should live in big houses are those that are born in them!’
hugoagogo
February 3, 2013 at 06:33
9. It was an opportunity too good to refuse.
Of course I read my dear Billy. And to his signature leading question (way up the garden path as usual): regarding the Heidelberg school (not a formal college back then I believe, I doubt if there were any diplomas nor actual graduates) the Aussie expressionists used to saddle up the swags and billes and sally forth to the wilds east of Melbourne for their painting camps.
Fred’s ‘Lost’ for instance depicts a frightened child having a wilderness experience in a virgin patch of old growth dry schlerophyll; and was painted 60 metres from the present day 6 lane Plaza strip of Whitehorse Road in Box Hill.
Who made the change? It wasn’t forestry mate, it was us pesky humans.