Something’s rotten

Col Bailey

Alas, something was rotten in Sherwood …
The banks were continuing to sack and plunder; the populace was continuing to be slugged and held to ransom by the cruel and wicked GST; the country’s motorists were continuing to be bled dry by an unjust petrol excise and the fortune hunting aspirations of the robber barons of the big oil companies; the children were still being thrown overboard; workplace relations were at an all-time low and the bosses were having a merry time sacking and retrenching at will; the country continued to be sucked further into an un-winnable and illegal war; indigenous relations continued to sour; regional relations were continuing to cause genuine concern; the nation’s Senate was being raped and pillaged by deception from within; the country’s health and hospitals were reaching crisis point …

And the Sheriff, ‘Honest John’, the only elected leader since Federation never to tell a lie, and his loyal deputy, ‘Smirking Pete’, the world’s greatest ever treasurer, were being less than honest to each other as they sat, pondering how much more loot they could rip out of the country’s workforce … because it was tax time again.

“Hooray, hooray, hit all the peasants for all they’re worth, says ‘Smirking Pete’ to ‘Honest John’. Surely there’s some sort of tax we haven’t thought of yet? You know ‘Honest John’, taxin’ time makes me the happiest man alive. I just love rippin’ it off those poor suckers. Bleed all the peasants dry, that’s what I say.”

“Er, er, how much do we have to spare in the kitty, ‘Smirking Pete’?

“Oh, not that much ‘Honest John’. We’re down to our last 12 or 14 billion.”

“Is that all? Er, oh my gosh, er, I ,mean, I promised my best buddy ‘Crazy George’ I’d send him another 500 troops. Now, er, that’s going to cost us big time ‘Smirking Pete’. Er, I’m afraid we’ll have to dig a little deeper my boy.”

Cut of the profits

“Well ‘Honest John’, I could always up the GST a little, say about five per cent. That ought to bring us in another few hundred billion. Would that be enough? And how about we rig an interest rate rise of say, about two per cent. The banks could always give us a cut of the profits, like. That’d be sure to rake us in a few billion. If they won’t play ball I’ll threaten to nationalise them. That should bring them into line”

“Well, er, er, that will do for a start. I’m sure you’ll think of something else before the end of the month. And er, if you do a good job, there er, may be a little something in it for you, my boy. You get my drift?”

‘Smirking Pete’s’ eyes light up like floodlights and a giant smile spreads across his chubby little face. ‘You don’t mean, you don’t mean a promotion, ‘Honest John’. You don’t mean I’m going to become the sheriff at long last?”

“Er, well, er. You never know, ‘Smirking Pete’. I believe I have the country in the best shape its ever been in, even if I do say so myself, and er, we’re raking in more taxes than any government since Federation. And er, we have our brave boys fighting terror over there in that war against those weapons of mass destruction with Crazy George’s men. And er, I’ve talked our side into trying to wreck the Senate good and proper. And I’m making sure it will never be the same, ever again. We’re going to be in office forever, you mark my words. Er, you hear me my boy, forever and ever, amen.

“And it doesn’t pay to get really sick if you’re not in private health. It just serves all the peasants right for not signing up when they had the chance. Er, that’ll teach all those commos and socialists and all the other other ratbags who didn’t vote for our glorious coalition.

“Not even my mentor old ‘Pig Iron Bob” could er, boast those achievements, could he? Er, yes my boy, I think it’s almost about time to hand over the baton to the world’s greatest ever treasurer. Now, er, getting back to those money raising schemes of yours …”

“Well, we could always send some Feds around the traps to confiscate a few things and then sell ‘em back at inflated prices. How about we introduce a fresh air tax? After all, we own the air, don’t we? And why should we just tax the cars for wearing out the roads. How about a footpath tax — a toll tax for pedestrians? Get them all to pay for walking down the street and wearing out the pavement, and maybe an age tax? Tax all those oldie’s for having the cheek to live so long. The older they get the more they pay. By the time they’re 75 they won’t be able to afford to breath. That’s just for starters. I’ll get our merry men in the House to rig up a few lurks. They’re pretty good at telling porkies.”

Never said sorry

“Er, they may be so ‘Smirking Pete, but don’t you dare include me in that. After all, I qualify to get the aged pension. You’d better put a clause in there that exempts sheriffs. And they don’t call me ‘Honest John’ for nothing you know. I er, have yet to tell a porky. I am a man of outstanding integrity. Scrupulously honest would be a better term. My detractors say I’m beyond reproach — whatever that means.”

“You mean to tell me you’ve never once in your whole life ever told a fib, Honest John?”

“Er no ‘Smirking Pete, never, ever. And er, I’ve never said sorry either.”

”How about at election time?”

“Especially not at election time. Er, you’ve got to be scrupulously honest if you want to be sheriff. Whatever you promise the people you er, give them and more, and when they’re not looking you quickly take it back!. But you’ve got to be quick. Slight of hand they used to call it when I was a boy. Why er, I’d never dream of going back on my word, never, ever. I’ve been er, practicing the art of telling the truth for many years now, you know . The truth and nothing but the truth — that’s my motto. Er, you just name one fib you’ve ever known me to tell.”

“I believe you ‘Honest John’, I believe you. (crawl, crawl) Now, when was it that you wanted me to take the baton?”

“Er, what baton are you talking about, ‘Smirking Pete? Do you mean cricket, like er, bat on ball — that sort of thing?”

“I mean your job of course, Honest John. I dream of being the sheriff of the highest taxed nation of the face of the earth.”

‘Er, now ‘Smirking Pete’ my boy, that’s a man’s job. A mature man’s job. Er, do you think you’re mature enough to take it on? I don’t think it’s time yet, Maybe in ten or twenty years time we can discuss the matter again. After all, er, then I’ll still only be 87 years old!”

“But ‘Honest John’, sob, sob, you promised me. You only just promised me the job, you promised me I’d be the new sheriff, sob, sob.”

“I did nothing of the sort! Er, you’re er, not suggesting for one moment that I’ve lied to you, are you? I’ve never ever told a fib in my whole life. If you don’t believe me, er, you just go and ask my buddy Crazy George. And er, you ask all my parliamentary colleagues. I’ve er, got them all on workplace agreements and they wouldn’t dare double cross me, because er, if they do, then they’ll all be on the back bench. No, I’ve never told a fib in my whole life, … er, you do believe me, don’t you ‘Smirking Pete’? That’s what makes me such a great leader. I must be the most honest man walking the face of the earth today. Me and Crazy George that is. He’s er, he’s an honest man too. He told me so, and he’d never tell me a lie!”

“Sob, sob, I’m never ever going to be the sheriff. The Good Lord will let you live forever because you’ve never told a lie!

“Oh, er, I wouldn’t go that far ‘Smirking Pete’ ….. I er, wouldn’t go that far …

Meanwhile, something was definitely rotten in Sherwood!