Kudelka: 101 uses for a John Howard

By Jon Kudelka

If indifference ensues, I’ll just stop, which means that without any incentive to retire, John Howard will keep on being Prime Minister for ever and ever until Menzies is nothing more than a vague and happy memory and the only beings alive in a post-nuclear-holocaust Australia will be John Howard and giant mutant cockroaches who he will probably teach to play cricket and make himself captain and we don’t want that to happen so go and have a look around and post comments and be generally helpful.

I was contemplating John Howard’s retirement the other day (as all Australians do from time to time) and I thought to myself, “Sure, that’ll be great for us, but what about him? What does 30 years serving the battlers of Australia qualify John Howard to do with himself in his declining years?”

Realising how unAustralian a self-centred, I’m-alright-Jack attitude like that is (okay, perhaps I’m ten years out of date, but hankering after the Good Old Days is extremely non-unAustralian and I wasn’t around in the 1950s, so the nineties will have to do) I set up this blog which generously proposes to offer no fewer than 101 helpful suggestions (with diagrams) for things that John Howard can go and do with himself when he finally declares his innings closed.

If indifference ensues, I’ll just stop, which means that without any incentive to retire, John Howard will keep on being Prime Minister for ever and ever until Menzies is nothing more than a vague and happy memory and the only beings alive in a post-nuclear-holocaust Australia will be John Howard and giant mutant cockroaches who he will probably teach to play cricket and make himself captain and we don’t want that to happen so go and have a look around and post comments and be generally helpful.

If pandemonium ensues, I will turn them into a bestselling book just in time for Christmas.

Feel free to suggest a re-use for our dear leader, though I must warn you, all suggestions, crap or not, become the property of me to use in any way I wish. However, if you do come up with a real cracker that I haven’t thought of yet, I may reward you with a free copy of the book if I ever get around to publishing it. This is entirely at my discretion, so let’s face it, your chances of getting out of it with anything more than a warm inner glow for helping Honest John Winston Howard retire gracefully are slim. But don’t let that deter you. It’s a good cause.

Click here: 101 uses for a John Howard