Drive ’em around the twist

http://www.theage.com.au/letters/index.html
The Age, Thurs 6 April 2006

THOSE annoying telephone sales pitches could be eliminated within a few weeks without recourse to complex legislation or setting up do-not-call databases. Being rude, blowing whistles into the receiver or simply hanging up on these pests has not worked. The sure-fire remedy is simple: take up their time and in return give nothing back of use to them. Even better, enjoy messing with their heads.

When a caller asks politely, “And how are you today?” you should go into a lengthy and detailed description of sundry real or imaginary health problems. If you start with head lice, by the time you get down to a quite lurid description of your bowel problems the caller will have had enough and terminate the call. You cost them time and gave them nothing.

An offer of a concession on holiday bookings is best handled by asking for a deal on four-star accommodation on Deal Island or for a water-skiing/sailboard holiday at Coober Pedy. You should give the impression of interest in any alternative proposition but then cancel just at the point where the caller thinks he or she has a deal.

If you are told that you have won a prize or been selected to compete for a prize, take up as much time as possible inquiring about the prize: its value (is that Australian or Singapore dollars?) or does it come in a range of colours, etc. Finally ask that the prize be forwarded to you for approval before you will commit yourself to any decision or provide any information.

Unsolicited offers of a place at wealth-creating seminars or individual financial counselling should be accepted and an appointment made. There will be a follow-up call to confirm that you will attend the appointment and you should confirm the arrangement — but of course make sure not to attend.

An offer of a good deal on gas, electricity or mobile phone plans gives an opportunity to ask silly questions such as “Does your gas burn hotter then the stuff I get now?” or “Will my refrigerator work quieter and get colder on your electricity?” There is no end of fun to be had if you let your imagination run loose.

Finally, have real fun with calls asking you to take part in a survey. Give entirely false information as to age, income, leisure, shopping habits, activities or whatever is asked.

Think of it as an investment: if we all spend a few minutes having fun confounding the cold-calling system for just a week or two, the sponsors of this nuisance will realise that they are wasting their advertising dollars.

Now imagine, if you can, being confident that if the phone rings between 6pm and 8pm, it will be a friend or relative, rather than a pest in a call centre.

David Cockburn,
Sandringham