Poll: cookery class

GOING to the Election Day Church Fete with a plate full of good, wholesome policies is just too tasteless and so last century! There’s nothing more embarrassing than going home again with the Gladwrap untouched.

Feisty fear flavoured dishes are what you need to bring these days. Get the parishioners quaking. Get them coughing in their rompers! Even the Presidential-styled snacks are about as stylish as Betty Windsor’s hats.

Where can you find the perfect fear campaign recipe, I hear you cry?

Look no further than the Golden Wattle Election Fear Campaign Cookery Book, penned by that little gourmet goddess and deaconess of the laminex, Joan Howard. It features such mouth moisteners as the Tampa Terror Curry, Interest Rate Rumination Rissoles, Family Values Upside-down cakes, and many more.

Being thrifty and observant housewives, those buxom Tasmanian belles, Pauline and Rennay, have just hosted a successful nosh-up election meal on the Apple Isle, using these same tasty and proven recipes.

And ladies, these greasy, grubby and tasty little fear campaign meals are so cheap and cheerful to host from you very own kitchen. All you have to do to is drape your crimpeline-swathed toosh on the leather couches of the Big End of Town, and BANG; there’s your housekeeping money to put on your very own 4-week Scare Campaign Election Cookery Class on the commercial telly and wireless.

A trained moth would tell you which audience would obediently fall under your culinary spells. The ones you’re after are those who can price the latest flat screen telly, name the hottest home renovation show spunk rat, and tell you who’s snogging whom on McLeod’s Daughters.

Rhythm contraception method for Exclusive Brethren

Never mind that they think the Westminster System is a form of rhythm contraception method for Exclusive Brethren couples, and that Alan Jones is Prime Minister. Don’t worry that they think that John Laws is the Chief Magistrate. They’re eager students who will latch on to your recipes in no time.

Let’s face it; putting on these Scare Campaign Cookery Classes is much more colourful and fun, especially for the other nice people who just come to watch and bring along their cameras and notepads. They stopped going along to the dull, cat’s bum-faced democracy classes ages ago because they couldn’t concentrate!

The best thing about Joan Howard’s little recipe book is the secret ingredient that weaves the comforting and misty amnesia for the participants and onlookers. They keep coming back for more of these golden election fear campaign recipes time after time.

The memories of the kitchen malfunctions and scald blisters festering for up to 3 or 4 years, are mercifully fleeting. The docile punters are remarkably forgiving even when the recipes leave a fulsomely faecal aftertaste, and result in an endless production line of flattened, rubbery Question-Time Soufflés.

Now off you go and have a Bex and a good lie-down until little Joan releases her next cookbook edition in 2007. Nighty Night!