Tony Abbott declared today that he was ready to act on climate change. “As far as any aspect of climate change goes, I will now be acting concerned,” he said to a media conference in Canberra. The Liberal leader made the announcement as part of his strategy leading up to the 2013 federal election.
“And this policy extends to the entire Coalition. Every sitting member and candidate will be expected to act concerned,” Abbott clarified. “Whenever ‘climate change’ is mentioned they will be required to pout, grimace and put on a thoughtful air, something like Bobby Menzies with indigestion, or perhaps Malcolm Fraser when he found an earwig in his Brylcreem. Except when in the presence of business leaders, investors, stockbrokers, bankers, the American ambassador, mining companies, party donors and Queenslanders, in which case we will be acting fully committed. To doing as little as possible.”
Mr Abbott explained that not lifting a finger to create a viable post-carbon economy was all about efficiency. “Lifting a finger would require energy, so we should conserve that,” he said. “It’s common sense. Like running your air-conditioner all summer, with the windows open, so the cold will go out and cool the planet.” Despite the ban on finger-lifting, Coalition members were being encouraged to try hand-wringing whenever the climate crisis was mentioned.
He further explained that his Direct Acting policy was the nation’s best hope of combatting climate change. “Climate change will go away if we all act hard enough to pretend it’s not happening. And I fully intend to provide the kind of leadership required.” Mr Abbott then announced plans to beef up Carbon Capture and Storage, which he described as being essential to the nation’s energy future. The new-look program, Carbon-Scientist Capture and Storage, would see inconvenient climate scientists rounded up and held indefinitely in a network of gulags below Clive Palmer’s mines. “There will be no carbon science under a government I lead,” Abbott promised.
Shadow Minister for Climate Change Greg Hunt announced that he too was ready to act. “I’ll be acting as if I have a brain, a plan and the support of the party room,” he said confidently. “It’ll be a challenge but this kind of Direct Acting is what Coalition policy is all about.”
