At the Huon Valley Council Ordinary Meeting of 21 May 2025 the Councillors resolved to adopt their recently drafted, but long time coming, Media Policy GOV-CORP-024.
Unbeknownst to the almighty leaders of Council, our Highly Filtered Humour Correspondent, Deep Throat (currently perfecting the art of extreme social distancing from all council-issued documents and “unsuitable” scrutiny) was watching on.
And lo, in the year of our Lord 2025, from the hallowed halls of the Huon Valley Council chambers, did the CEO, the most esteemed Lachlan Kranz (known to some as Kransky, though never to his face, lest ye incur his divine displeasure), descend with a tablet of stone. Upon this tablet were etched, not with a finger of fire, but with the finest bureaucratic jargon, the Ten Commandments of Communication with Media.
Hear ye, hear ye, for these are the sacred edicts that shall guide all who dare to utter a peep about the Huon Valley Council lest they incur the wrath of Mayor Sally Doyle!
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Thou Shalt Only Speak If Mayor Sally Doyle Anoints Thee
Verily, no Councillor shall open their mouth for Council, nor tweet, nor post, nor so much as whisper a policy decision, unless the Mayor, in her infinite wisdom and with prior written consent, hath granted permission. For is it not written in the ancient texts (of the Local Government Act 1993, section 61) that the Mayor is the primary spokesperson? For indeed, “this isn’t *transparency; it’s a bottleneck.” The public’s right to know, it appears, is subject to a mayoral mood ring.
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Honour the Comms Unit: All Enquiries Go to the Sacred Inbox
Bypass the Communications and Media Unit at your peril! All media questions, even about their charming Council bins, must be emailed 24 hours in advance. Contact someone else? Like a fart in a hurricane – unheard. They’re the gatekeepers, filtering out anything resembling direct sunlight.
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Quote Council Verbatim, and Don’t You Dare Interpret
Council statements are pure, unadulterated truth. Reproduce them word-for-word, typos included. No rephrasing, no summarising, no thinking. This “profound attack on journalistic autonomy” reduces reporters to stenographers. It’s Council-approved karaoke.
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Mock Not Council: Satire is for the French (and Only If Kransky Says So)
Woe unto you, media, if you mock, degrade, or insult! Council expects “high standards of journalistic integrity.” This means no cheeky headlines, no questioning wisdom, and certainly no photos of Councillors caught mid-sneeze. Mock at your peril; Council will issue a thrilling “Media Statement” correcting your insolence.
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Thou Shalt Not Subject Council to Excessive Scrutiny (Our Well-being is Paramount!)
While we are “committed to responding to Media Enquiries in the public interest,” this commitment yields to safeguarding “the privacy and wellbeing of Councillors and Staff.” This isn’t avoiding questions; it’s a duty of care, ensuring “personnel resources” aren’t “unreasonably diverted.”
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No “Tit for Tat” With Council: Our Time is Precious
Forget “tit for tat” exchanges, warns the CEO. Persistent journalistic inquiry is a “significant waste of Council’s time.” As the CEO so sagely put it, “we don’t want to be in a tit for tat, where a media agency just continues to say stuff, and then we have to continue to refute it… That’s where we’re seeking to decide enough is enough.” Accountability, it seems, is too demanding for Council’s busy schedule.
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Seek Guidance from the Comms Unit: They Have the Truth (and the Coffee)
Before speaking, consult the Communications and Media Unit. They possess “the most current and relevant information” and have considered “all reputational risks.” They’re your PR guardian angels shielding you from perilous public discourse. It’s less about stifling opinion, more about achieving optimal message harmonisation.
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Social Media Councillors: You’re On Your Own (and the MUCB Policy Won’t Save You)
Should a Councillor in their boundless ambition, create a Facebook page titled “Huon Valley Councillor – Mr Bob Builder,” know this: the Council’s “Managing Unacceptable Customer Behaviour Policy” does not apply. Thou art adrift in the wild seas of the internet, vulnerable to online abuse, slander, and psychosocial harm. And as Councillor Jessop observed, “a robust media, at times, employs satire to hold power to account.” Just don’t do it on Council’s watch, and certainly not if it causes “cumulative trauma.”
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Question Not Council’s Discretion to Remain Silent (Unless You Have “Significantly New Information” We Approve Of)
If Council issues a statement, further enquiries on the topic will be met with divine silence by the CEO. Transparency, yes, but not to the point of “unreasonably diverting from delivering on strategic priorities.” . Begone, ye purveyors of “significantly new information”! Once we’ve spoken, what more is there to say?
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Naughty Media Gets a 12-Month Time-Out (And No Unauthorized Snaps!): We Are the Arbiters of Truth
If a Media Outlet has “knowingly misrepresented or misreported Council’s statements or actions” in the past year, they shall be cast into the outer darkness, beyond the reach of Council’s magnanimous replies.” The Council itself is the sole arbiter of what constitutes ‘knowingly misrepresented’ or ‘misreported’. There will be no independent review.
Furthermore, the reproduction of any photographs or imagery from the Council’s website, Facebook page or even screenshots (as below) of their video recordings of public meetings, without prior written permission from Mayor Sally Doyle, is “expressly forbidden.”
Though Councillor Jessop questioned: “Why do we video our things… if people can’t share it… without our permission?” A profoundly transparent silence is your answer.
Adhere to these commandments, and perhaps Kransky and Mayor Doyle’s benevolent gaze shall shine upon thee.
Fail, and prepare for a strongly worded media statement (from the Comms Unit, of course) – or worse, a 12-month time-out in the Naughty Corner.
*Transparency: noun, (as defined by Huon Valley Council) – the state of seeing clearly, but only what Council allows you to see, and when.
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