Opinion
Jesus Free Zone
Dear Editor,
Jesus Free Zone
I am incessantly accosted by Jesus people. I seem to be a magnet to them, they see me coming, their God yells, ‘go get him’, and they zero in like a mosquito. I assume it is because I have a trifling mobility issue. That is I tend to shuffle, rather than walk, using two blue sticks and considerable perseverance. It is at best a nuisance and at worst an inconvenience.
Generally they pounce when I am relatively happy and content; such as on holiday, at the market or on a beach. Once in Sicily at the railway station a very tall, black American put his hand on my head and said, ‘bless you’ at which point I stood up, threw away my sticks and promptly fell over. When I said that didn’t seem to work he seemed slightly bewildered and vanished into the crowd.
In Amsterdam I was enjoying the sunshine, wonderful gardens and watching the pathways teeming with cyclists. One turned back after passing, a young American, white this time, produced a bottle of water and pronounced that the Lord had told him to give it to me. I asked him if he might mention to the Lord how much I appreciated the gesture. He suggested I ought to thank him myself. I explained that the Lord and I were not actually all that close and hadn’t communicated for decades mainly because neither of us believe in each other’s existence.
At home I have Jesus aficionados sitting down, uninvited, while I am enjoying coffee, waylaying me in the market and one even stopped her car to swoop while I was happily walking along Kingston Beach.
Their line is familiar and tiresome. After a discreet wait for a few seconds they ask what happened to me and then, before I have time to respond, enquire if I have heard of God. I give an emphatic ‘no’ which throws them a little bit and then unperturbed they ask if they can pray for me. I always thought prayer was for God’s ears only. It is probably just a way to gain the equivalent of afterlife frequent flyer points and fast track their way to heaven.
At this point I typically pass out my Jesus Free Zone cards with Keep Out – enter at your own peril written firmly in red which normally has the desired effect.
Whenever this occurs I wonder why it upsets me so much. I guess it’s because these insensitive, thoughtless and sanctimonious people are bullies. They pick the one thing which I, and I would imagine many others, feel most sensitive and self-conscious about. Strike where it hurts and inflict pain before offering redemption!
So, Jesus People where ever you are, please take note: I do not need, nor desire, your salvation.
As for the after-life, I am in heaven whenever I stroke my affable old dog; Trixie. After all heaven is here, with us, just as long as you know where to look.
Dr Ian Broinowski