Sir Humphrey and Bernard

In a land far, far away in a parallel universe… A Fable…

Tonight’s episode:

Due Process

Setting: Hallowed halls of Westminister
Time: The present or very near
Characters:
Sir Humphrey – head of Department of Cabinet
Bernard – Under Secretary to the Undersecretary, Department of Cabinet

You wanted to speak to me, Sir Humphrey.

Yes, Bernard.

There’s a matter we have to discuss before we take it to the Minister.

What is that, Sir Humphrey?

A brief has come down from No10 that Portland Mansions must be demolished to make way for an extension of public parking and a higher density predetermined use for the convenience of civil servants. Once built, these much improved and enhanced working environments can be leased back to the civil service. We’ll build it and lease it back. Brilliant, don’t you think! Portland Mansions is in our Minister’s constituency and demolishing heritage housing is not a vote winner for him. But the PM is adamant – this is the first move in a much larger vision for this area.

You mean the PM is doing mates a favour.

Bernard! That’s not the way we refer to such matters. Think of it rather as taking a long term approach to the economic fecundity of enhancing and redeploying selective capital assets.

You’ll have a difficult time persuading him in this.

It is not the politicians who run this country. It is the civil service as we all well know. Good heavens! We can’t have Cabinet Ministers running about making decisions on their own. Where would we be then? Politicians are simple people. They like simple people. They like simple choices and clear guidance. And it is our job to give them that guidance.
You do realise that Portland Mansions has been monument listed as an excellent example of Structuralism and one of the few left in the country. Surely there is an Act which has to be followed.

Yes, yes, a minor irritation Bernard, but it is the government’s wish after all. Once it’s all gone, people will forget it ever existed. In the cut and thrust of political life, compromise has to be reached and decisions, however regrettable, must be made for the greater good – namely, ours. We must never lose sight of the fact that we are doing this for the people. Do we ever receive any thanks for it? No!

What are you doing, Bernard?

Waiting for the bolt of lightning to descend from the heavens and see where it strikes.

Really, Bernard!

But, Sir Humphrey, Portland Mansions always features in prestigious architectural documentaries as a gem in the crown of British intelligensia. We are constantly being lauded for our foresight in listing it and preserving it. It was a PR coup for the Minister when that happened. How do you propose we set about convincing the Minister that it now needs to go?
First of all a recommendation for removal from the Department of Sustaining and Preserving Ancient and more Modern Monument’s (SPAMM for short) Select Committee needs to cross the Minister’s desk. He won’t be happy thinking of votes but we’ll have to convince him of the bigger picture and extra votes in the long term and downplay the value of the architecture. Public media is useful here. I think I can predict there will be a high number of comments from the public applauding its imminent removal/ demolition.

But, surely, there will be some sections of the public who will oppose it, Sir Humphrey, and will want to follow established due process to have the decision overturned. The Westminister system is a democracy after all. Remember the last time this standard operating procedure was employed. We very nearly came unglued.

I do much prefer an oligarchy. Life is so much easier. Yes, Bernard, but that was due to a couple of loose cannons who thought they were actually doing what they thought they’d been appointed to do! Some people just get above themselves. Appointees to these committees need to fully grasp the clear understanding that they are there to implement our will and not their own. Our due process and all that. We were more careful the next time round.

It certainly was a worrying time, Sir Humphrey, watching our carefully placed procedure going awry. The Select Committee approved those demolitions according to plan. Members of the public appealed to the Arbitration Expert Panel, as expected. The Arbitration Expert Panel allowed demolition even though SPAMM had not gotten around to processing the buildings. Bit of a double edged sword that one! Not having monuments appropriately processed has served us well in the past.

Yes, it should have all ended there and then but then the Select Committee decide to appeal the Arbitration Expert Panel’s decision! Just because it would have put 540 other similar places in jeopardy. Really! They should have had the sense to leave that can of worms alone and it all would have worked out fine and been forgotten. The Save Our Buildings mob couldn’t believe their luck! It would have been dead in the water there and then. But then our Select Committee appeals that decision which was actually in its own favour, if they’d had the sense to realise it! We then had to pay to take ourselves to court to yet another Higher Judiciary appeal to get the same result as the Arbitration Expert Panel had already given us! It is so hard to get good servants these days!

You don’t think we’ve overplayed our hand with that one. Someone might catch on and then where would we be?

No, no, the public are like a mob of sheep. They’ll swallow anything as long as it’s well-presented and we appear to be doing the right thing for the common good.

Oh, yes, Sir Humphrey, you mean the well used policy of spin. Take a part truth and weasel word the media release to paint the government in the best possible light all the time. It is developing into quite an art form.

Yes, correct, Bernard. Just to be safe, though, we’ve increased the ratio of pro-establishment members on the Select Committee so as to be more confident of a majority view. The clever ones know which side of their bread is buttered. It’s the old stick and carrot philosophy, Bernard. Get rid of anyone not complying and promote those who do. In fact one of the long time servers has moved up to the Arbitration Expert Panel.

The old pat on the back, philosophy, hey, Sir Humphrey.

Indeed, Bernard. I do like to run a tight ship. It’s all in how you play the game, you know.
We’ve used this ploy a number of times and it does work, as we know. Sometimes it’s almost too easy.

You keep saying that, Sir Humphrey but isn’t the Arbitration Expert Panel supposed to be impartial?

Bernard, I do wonder at you, at times.

Talking of stick Sir Humphrey, there have been complaints of bullying lodged to the relevant section of the civil service.

Bullying is such an ugly word, don’t you think, Bernard. Open to unpleasant connotations. I prefer to think of it as a team management practice.

Not everyone would consider that ‘practice’ in that light.

WE are not everyone, Bernard.

As a last resort we can always change the law. Make it project specific if you like. We can trot it out as needed.

SPAMM is always working to change the Act, Sir Humphrey – to make it more robust, more understandable and to deliver greater clarity for developers and home owners alike.

This new legislation, Bernard, will assist our civil service to ensure that all current appeals in relation to any planning permit can be extinguished and there can be no further appeals in relation to the permit. That pernicious section 41 had to be removed. It kept causing more and more problems for us. Having any prudent and feasible alternative available is not in the country’s best interests. The added bonus will be that any re-entry of a building on to the Monument List will require the endorsement of the Minister and not the Select Committee.

Yes, Sir Humphrey, but doesn’t that make the Select Committee almost redundant?

No, Bernard, you’re missing the point. Having a specially appointed Select Committee to be the public face takes the heat off us. If the public don’t like a decision we make, they can blame the Select Committee. You just wait till you see what we’ve done with the new Celtic Relics Act.

Oh, yes, I see. Very devious. What about the blacksmith’s cottage on the Embankment?
Something will have to be done about it. The building is in a dreadful state of disrepair.

Yes, Bernard, isn’t that good. That’s going swimmingly!

Swimmingly?

Yes, this is part two of the ‘usual’. Do nothing and let them fall down. Once the monument has reached the point of no return, it can happily be removed from the Monument List. Everyone is happy.

Well, not everyone, Sir Humphrey.

The people that matter will be Bernard, I assure you.

Ah, yes, Sir Humphrey, friends in high places.

This time we’ll get the added bonus that the precedent has been set on how to remove any other non-desired building from the List of Monuments as well.

So when the next development is needed, the path will be easier if not assured.

Yes, Bernard, you are catching on.

That reminds me! What’s the plan for the proposed development of Yew Tree Gardens? Selling off part of Yew Tree Gardens to a developer to build an amusement park is highly likely to bring every arborealist in Great Britain down on the government’s head. Really, Sir Humphrey, is this wise? Yew Tree Gardens is so quintessentially British! It is public land, after all.

If not handled properly, yes, Bernard. What one has to do! The PM will have to start to understand that party contributions only go so far! These people should be grateful with a title! But the Arbitration Expert Panel will save the day again here too. There have been three development applications rejected by the Select Committee (rightly so), on the grounds of unsuitability. The developer can now go to the Expert Arbitration Panel and argue that he has presented three proposal s, each time taking on board what the department advised him to do. Each time he did it and they refused him yet again. You’ve heard of the 3 strikes and you’re out rule, Bernard? In this instance, it’s 3 strikes and you’re in! Just following due process, according to the Act, after all.

Even so, Sir Humphrey, this one will be far more difficult to achieve the desired outcome.

Yes, Bernard, you are quite right. Seeing as the Right Royal Relic Society for the Saving of Gentrified Piles has now hired that bolshy QC to represent their interests in Yew Tree Gardens, this one might need a new plan. We were hoping they’d stay ‘mum’ on the whole thing especially as they now sit on the Select Committee. Sometimes I get the feeling that they just don’t trust us. We could really use him on our side. We did offer him a position, you know. He turned us down, saying how could he possibly prosecute us if he was working for us. Really, the effrontery of the man! One can never trust the Irish!

Our side, Sir Humphrey?

The civil service side, Bernard. You really do need to keep up. I sometimes wonder how you’ve managed to rise this far in the civil service.

Oh, that’s easy, Sir Humphrey. My uncle is Director of Human Resources for Cabinet Under, Under Secretaries.

I do wonder at times if we are doing ourselves a disservice by the way we’ve organised our departments. The cream does not always rise to the top.

Sir Humphrey, Sir Humphrey…

Sorry, Bernard, I was contemplating my navel.

According to the Ancient Greeks, Zeus sent out two eagles to fly across the world to meet at the centre, the “navel” of the world. It was the oracle at Delphi.

Thank you, Bernard. Quite apt, I think.