Satire
Thank you, Prime Minister Abbott
AAP, 2039 – Premier, Chief Executioner and All-Round High Poobah Dipertuan Agong Michael Hodgman the Fourth yesterday declared the new Tasmanian Devil Museum Open. Built on the outskirts of the capital Smithton, the museum was constructed on-budget for only $327 million dollars not including kickbacks, consultancy fees, deductible payments to procurement agents for services rendered, black bags, sundry peculations and malversations, spotters’ fees, squatters’ fees, all-purpose sweeteners, banker-suppositories and beefy backhanders.
“It gives me great pleasure,” he said solemnly, while adjusting his belt discretely, “to declare this tribute to a fine Tasmanian icon open.”
“I speak of course of the great Senator Eric Abysmal, whoops I mean Eric Abetz, after whom this museum is named. His tireless work in toadying for industrial giants was really a milestone in progress toward the extermination of this pest.”
The Stodgeman declared the genesis of the project had occurred during the landmark term of Prime Minister Abbot from September 14 2012 to September 21 2012, during which the Liberal leader established a bounty on devils ‘to keep the wheels of SUVs free from cancer-ridden roadkill. After all, we are the party of freedom.’
The announcement ceremony was briefly interrupted while Ho-Ho-Hodgman invited his advisors to assist in clearing his trouser pockets of wads of cash, purportedly the cause of his recent back problems and not the genetic spinelessness as ascribed in the Burnaweenie Bolshevik Bugle.
“Cheered on by homo digitupchopitdownus, the Abbot policy was furthered in the subsequent term of Prime Minister Howes who, with his penchant for two-fingering ancient forests while wearing a devilskin cloak and roaring up and down mining tracks in a 12-cyclinder thunderpumper was more or less an honorary citizen of Tasmania,” he said proudly.
Despite tense moments when conservationists threatened to win the day with plush toys made in China, the Bodgeman stated that in the end good sense had prevailed. “What point is an island that is not a car park from east to west? What point is an island that is not a publicly-propped logging concession from north to south? Next they’ll be expecting that wilderness should include dirty animals that poop all over the shinypokies. Uffa!”
“We believe it’s important for Australian schoolchildren to learn about proper wildlife management,” continued Mickey Bludgeman. “Hence the museum features a fully immersive devil eradication experience to demonstrate how the battle against indigenous vermin was won. There were some dark days back in 2026 but we pulled through. As a clique. As an in-bred, silver-toed, all-expenses-paid junket to Battery Point Heights by cable car. Oh yeah.”
“This museum is a landmark that recognises Tasmanians will never stand in the way of progress,” declared Fudgeman,” pausing to scratch his butt with a stray carpetbagger. “It’s a way of life. It’s a dynasty. It’s Tasmania.”
Lee Archer Architectural Consultancy said the new museum had several distinctive features. “The walls have been constructed of human bones retrieved from Aboriginal middens as part of the move to include recycled materials in the construction. And the tile pattern on the roof reveals, to a hovering press gallery helicopter, a stylised Devil snarl. We felt compelled to incorporate into the building the commitment of Tasmania to conservation and democracy.”