Snake oil looks a good investment

BARNABY DRAKE

Brought to you by the same people who gave you Sub-Prime, Recession, Ponzi Schemes, Hyper-Inflation and Bailouts!

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Join the new throng of brokers and investors who are about to make their fortunes with……………

CARBON TRADING

Become familiar with the new Buzzwords, like……..

SEQUESTRATION

Bankers and brokers are very excited.

Undeterred by the recent spectacular failure of the two largest timber schemes in history, our government, in its wisdom, is pressing ahead with plans to turn Australia into one giant plantation. In a bit of enterprise bargaining which beggars belief, they are offering ‘New trees for Old’ in the euphoric opinion that the salvation of the planet is dependent on it.

The Stock Market heartily concurs!

Ignoring the fact that Australia is the driest continent on Earth, and getting drier, the politicians see a bright green future in planting millions of water-hungry trees. Business is gearing up to listen for the tax-breaks and incentives that usually follow these precipitous announcements, firm in the knowledge that when, not if, the scheme fails, they will be in line for those multi-billion bailouts.
Diminishing dams and rivers, silt and poisonous sprays along with bush fires do not daunt them, although none of these things have actually been factored in. Why should they? This is economics, and economics is known to have the power to save the planet. As the Earth spins, the only thing that spins faster is the utterances of the dedicated, bright-eyed politicians. To some extent, it is a pity that the atmosphere is not paying attention.

Back-up plans if this strangely MIS-reminiscent scheme were to fail…?
“Ah, yes. We will buy up forests in a foreign land and offset our emissions that way.”

The Stock Market rubs its hands.

“We will pay 3rd World countries not to cut down their native forests and we will trade with them for Carbon Credits! Hallelujah – salvation is at hand. So our enterprising stock market traders will seek out willing dictators in places like Africa, and strike bargain-basement deals with them to buy the rights to their forests so that they have another commodity to trade with, and without actually owning anything tangible, the futures market is already looking very bright. What was that about a recession?”

Meanwhile, back in the Third World countries, dictators will grow rich, the natives will be disenfranchised and the armaments industry will prosper, poverty will increase and all those lovely trees will stop doing what they are currently doing, which is to purify the world’s atmosphere, and instead will concentrate on what they are being paid to do, which is to only absorb all those carbon dioxide emissions above the cap-and-trade limit in all the First World countries.

Win –Win!

The only problem that remains is what to do with all that CO2 that falls within the ‘permitted’ range and which the trees were actually struggling to absorb at the present time?

Now this is where you see the master stroke….!

SEQUESTRATION !!!

“We will capture it all at source and bury it underground!

All we need to do is first find a process that works, and then find a big enough hole to put it all in. A few billion of tax-payers money should soon fix that.”
“What was that? None of the holes are empty and they are in the wrong place? Simple! As we don’t expect the solution to be found until after the oil has run out, — possibly 2033? – there are the holes! A few pipes here and there will get the stuff to where we want it.”

“What do you mean, three thousand miles of pipelines? Yes it does sound a lot when you come to think of it. Maybe we could move the power stations a bit nearer. Yes, I know they will then have to truck the coal to the power stations, but you can’t have it both ways. The problem with the power lines? What do you mean they will need to generate twice as much electricity and use twice of much coal because of transmission losses? Does it matter, as we are burying the result anyway, and we did warn the public that the price may have to go up a little?”

“Now you’re just being awkward. You say that the oil was used up in one hundred years, but there is two thousand years worth of coal on the surface. Come, come. We’re not going to use it all at once, and what’s that about one tonne of carbon generating three and a half tonnes of carbon dioxide and it only becomes liquid under high pressure. Well, the pipelines are going to be high pressure too, you know. Burst pipes? You’re just scaremongering. – probably one of those Greenies!”

“Did you say these holes are very hot inside and the liquid won’t be liquid any more once the pressure goes off? Well, I have to inform you that we have been assured by the coal industry scientists that this will be safely stored for 10 000 years, and by that time, there will be no oil or gas or any coal left, so humans will not have to face that problem in the future — if there are any”.

“What happens if this technology doesn’t work? Simple. We’ll print more money and raid the super funds – again!”

“Snake oil, anybody?”