To all she has offended or bored to death: Mea Culpa

But it is with some horror that Hag realises several weeks have passed since she last checked her email. This was successfully completed last night when the shaking hands and wretched stomach, pounding head and deyhydrated extremities calmed enough to log on to the aged computer which had gathered moss and a month’s worth of emails in her filthy Lower Dynyrrne dungeon.

And what fascinating goss lay therein.

Here’s a sample:

• Premier Paul takes some credit for the Admirable Ellen Whinnett’s thoroughly deserved Walkley Award. This is alleged to have occurred at a very prestigious farewell for Ellen (who has moved to less exotic pastures on the Herald Sun in Melbourne) whose gong was awarded for her reports on Governor Richard’s death by a thousand cuts (or should that be leaks).

Hag’s Deep Throat at this very private function – Hag cannot understand and is attempting not to be offended by her non-invitation – says Paul stood up before the assembled dignitaries and said he would speak for all pollies present (including Peg and Rene).

He gave a gracious speech including the priceless gem that perhaps he (or his government?) should have a share of the Walkley. One assumes he meant it was the Government’s role in being a news subject … not source? (The Pale Shadow of Machiavelli)

• Scurrilous goss that former-union-heavy Premier Paul’s renovations on his soon-to-be-prestigious farmhouse pile at Brighton is being done by non-union labour (Labor). Hag is unreliably informed that bits of the makeover being done to turn the Working Class Boy into a Fine Country Gentleman are being carried out by a company – surely not associated with Gunns? – who employ only non-union labour (Labor). Couldn’t be? This is simply f…in’ useless pub talk?

The emails also included nice goss about this year’s round of upper house elections due, as always, in May: “and already one sitting member is looking pretty pleased with herself; after all why wouldn’t she? A little birdie tells me that she already has secured sufficient money to run her campaign without having to dip into her own purse at all. Apparently this lucky member has ten thousand reasons to look and feel happy.”

And, “which Labor Senator is trying to get a high paying job (on the State Industrial Commission, I hear) with the State Government and is looking to leave the Senate the day the pension is due? May the gravy train ever run so full for the likes of you and me.”

And, Hag ends this missive with a cautionary tale of a sordid peccadillo:

Hag’s boss, The Editor, over-beered and motorcycle mounted, encountered an RBT on his backroads way home (already confessed, Petrolhead!). The hand-held recorded .06 and he was ushered to the van for a later test, which unlike Minister Bacon’s minder went up (.15) rather than down.

The Editor rang a lawyer mate who checked the electronic previous record and said: Stupid Fool, but all good, no previous, max a year and $500.

A couple of days before The Ed appears in The Court of Petty Sessions, he runs into a few mates at Shippies and enjoys a convivial ale during which an acquaintance, The Good Inspector, hears The Ed blab about his recent RBT encounter and the fact that the system had no electronic record of a previous deleterious encounter 29 years before.

Two days later the Ed appears besuited and suitably contrite, and his startled lawyer is handed a new previous convictions list. There starkly added to the list is the 29 year-old previous.

And the penalty, handed down by the nice magistrate (who said the earlier penalty appeared to be from a previous life) was the mandatory minimum: two years and a thousands bucks. In a cab on a ride home the driver tells the Ed: Strewth mate, that’s rough; I had five drink-drive convictions on my paper record before they ran an electronic check (which goes back 15 years) – and I was clean.

Moral: Chatham House Rules (what is said in the pub stays in the pub) do not apply to Boys in Blue; but any half-decent journo (sorry Ed) would know that. And it does help, you know, to be minder for a soon-to-be-ex-minister.

But: Ed was given a nice lift home (but not via the bottleshop) by the nice boys in the RBT van!

Earlier:The Pale Shadow of Machiavelli