Last week, I spoke at a Migration Law Forum where I discussed what my immigration policies would be if Tasmania seceded and I became their Minister for Immigration. So here’s a little taste of my inaugural speech to the sovereign Tasmanian Parliament.
Tasmania, brace yourselves, we’ve finally done it: we’ve excised ourselves from the mainland. While the Australian Parliament was obsessively trying to erase itself from the refugee map and no one was looking, we became a sovereign country.
No longer will we be the source of dinner table comedy about incest, or the state left off children’s drawings of Australia. Sorry, Western Australia, but we totally outmanoeuvred you on the whole secession front.
We have a slight problem, though: we’re tiny. We need to grow. We need to stimulate our newly independent economy.
Since I’ve now been dubiously elected as Tasmania’s Minister for Immigration (despite not even being a resident) and tasked with drafting its immigration policies, I guess I had better learn a little more about this fledgling nation. Wikipedia kindly informs me there are just over half a million citizens of this idyllic Apple Isle.
So I asked my most trusted policy advisors, or as I refer to them, Facebook friends, to offer me some policy guidance. Suggestions came in quickly: ranging from a Deng Xiaoping style ‘Open Door Policy’ to immediate visa on arrival for all our poor Queensland neighbours.
While a generous immigration policy is desirable, we need some guiding principles to ensure that we become the nation of the ‘fair go.’
Let’s begin by looking at our population demographics. It seems that 90 percent of Tasmanian citizens were born here. Genealogically, most can be traced to some form of British descent. If, as the idiom goes, diversity is the spice of life, then Tasmania, we are struggling. Ethnic homogeneity is not conducive to more exciting cuisine. I mean, I love smoked salmon as much as the next person, but imagine the possibilities if we had the expertise to curry or satay a dish. More importantly, we’ll be able to shift our reputation as a being a bunch of Anglo-Saxon, moderately incestuous, hyperactive procreators. Reputation and cuisine is everything, right?
So how will this translate into policy reform? A reverse ‘White Australia Policy’, if you will. We could call it our ‘Immigrant Isle Policy.’ That, or ‘No more White People.’ Though the racist overtones of the latter would probably sit uncomfortably with our current electorates.
We should follow this with promotional YouTube campaign videos, borrowing from our Second World War ‘Join Us’ poster aesthetics, and say: ‘Immigrants, Your (Future) Country Needs You.’ We should start the targeted campaigns in Indonesia and Malaysia. After all, we’ve got a rich source of transiting asylum flows to diversify our national demographics and grant protection at the same time. It’s a win-win situation.
Now that we have a way to increase our population diversity, we need to direct our expanding immigration regime towards our economic future. Much of Tasmania’s economic prosperity is geared towards tertiary services, so it’s time to rethink the relationship between migration and economic growth. Two words spring to mind: CULTURE and TOURISM.
We need to remedy our historical lack of diversity. It’s probably not news to anyone that we have a troubled history of respecting difference: from dispossessing the Traditional Owners from their lands to persecuting sexual minorities. Embarrassing would be an understatement when describing the fact Tasmania was the last state to decriminalise homosexuality, and that was only after the Australian Parliament chided us using their legislative supremacy.
That said, we’ve come a long way since then. We even came excruciatingly close to being the first state to legislate same-sex marriage. As a sovereign country, without constitutional impediments in our way, we should move to make marriage equality a reality. With the mass migration of same-sex couples with high disposable incomes seeking marital bliss/burden, our economy will receive a much-needed stimulation.
We could also make Hobart the home of the Mardi Gras. Sydney has had it for 35 years. Time to share the love - literally.
On a different note, we should move to get Australia’s offshore processing started right here. We could use the billions to expand the Museum of Old and New Art and create the MONA processing centre.
We can process asylum seekers in an artistically appealing location, and improve our cultural infrastructure at the same time. A little art appreciation is something that refugees and citizens alike can partake in together in the community.
More importantly, our air-conditioned MONA inspired processing is a lot cheaper than waiting indefinitely inside sweltering tents on Nauru.
If Australia wants to be fiscally irresponsible when it comes to outsourcing their international obligations, I say we just accept their ‘no advantage’ rhetoric, and take their money and asylum seekers. It’s not like policy sense seems to matter when you are seduced by wedge politics to ‘stop the boats.’
As the Minister for Immigration, it would be remiss of me if I did not mention the broader reputational potential of my proposed humanitarian visa strategy: we can offer asylum while seeking out more participants for The Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race. It is, after all, our national pastime and we must continue to excel in it.
Though we should be careful, if the Australian MPs find out that we are processing asylum seekers quickly, right in the heart of our cultural icons, our refugee and art ‘slush fund’ may become the next political scandal. They may forgo debating reforms to public education or the National Disability Insurance Scheme in order to spend weeks commenting on our artistic acquisitions. That, or they may invade us. But that’s a matter for our Defence Minister.
Our policies, however, will not be a soft touch. We cannot afford to have ‘illegals’ taking advantage of our hospitality. If those American or English backpackers have the audacity to pick our apples and then overstay their visas, we may need to think about passing mandatory detention laws. Though, on reflection, the idea of confining horny backpackers to a shared space may be more pleasurable than punitive.
As a new country, now is the time to make our sassy mark on the world. With my bold approach, the ‘Immigrant Isle Policy’ will be the next Nobel Peace Prize winning concept.
Senthorun Raj is a Churchill Fellow.
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Comments (9)
The last thing this state needs is more people and especially primitive ideologists,whose minds are trapped in merry go round failures. the bigger your population the bigger the crime wave, low standard of living, increase poverty huge strains on services and infrastructure leading to the current world situation of over crowding pollution, unrest and elitist discrimination.
The fools currently running place are reducing every service to the point where public safety and health is becoming seriously compromised and yet we get over educated fools who want to increase the problems to satisfy their ideological ego’s.
Should Tas secede from the commonwealth, of course as they treat us like crap. But only when we have our house together and can provide a secure safe and decent future for all Tasmania. That cant happen as long as we have overeducated dummies running the place, who have no real experience or knowledge of life, other than from the perspective of a school room and office.
The first step would be to rid ourselves of the current political party system, introduce referendum style government and full criminal accountability for public servants, politicians and business leaders. Then set up our own fuel and energy industries, solar power on as many roofs in the state and create a new industry by making them ourselves. Throw out the current approach to health and introduce preventive and remedial health approaches, nearly 90% of all illness is caused by lifestyle, so proper education and preventive techniques will reduce costs and demands.
Remove the corporate control currently running this state and rebuilt our rural towns and communities with growing crops for fuel and food for export. Take all the kids out of school at 16 and put them into 3-4 years of work experience in every government department including police and health. This way we be educating our children into being good citizens who when reaching their 20’ will have experience ever aspect of out society and then can decide their career and get into it.
Fools that advocate more people for this state, are those who really don’t have clue about the reality of the world, just their elitist ego’s.
The reason Tasmania cannot excise itself from mainland Australia is social security benefits. The majority of Tasmania’s population live on Centrelink benefits or Commonwealth service pensions. Well over half the island lives on taxpayer funds. Tasmania would have to borrow a lot of money to fund its army of welfare recipients. I think the reason this has been allowed to happen is the ‘senate gerrymander’ and the fact Tasmania controls the outcome of federal elections. Its almost an identical situation to Malaysia and Sarawak where ‘mainland Malaysia’ gives the Sarawak junta an almost total dictatorship in return for them keeping the ruling party in power. In Tasmania we seem to have a dictatorship of stupidity where the population is totally brainwashed into believing sport and leisure are more important than working for a living.
There was talk of seceding back in the late eighties, early nineties. Someone even started a political party which policy was to secede by 1996 or some such date. I think its catch cry was “to succeed we have to secede” - clever but the party eventually disappeared with no trace.
Just in case anybody missed it, which I think 1 & 2 have, this is a joke. As in jocular. A witty, presumably post prandial offering from what sounds an interesting Churchill Fellow. As his extract from the Fellowship website testifies.
Mr Senthorun Sunil Raj - CHIPPENDALE
To investigate how sexual orientation and gender identity refugee claims are being pursued by
specialist caseworkers - USA, UK
Lighten up fellas; the end of the world might be coming etc but its effect on you is what goes on in your head. Humour allows the identification of the absurd, and once identified the absurd can be tackled. I think Mr Raj has done a particularly good job.
I used to think it would be a good idea for Tassie to detach itself from the mainland until I heard Pete Hay once say words to the effect that: ‘If Tasmania had not been in the federation, death squads would now be operating throughout the state’. Given the vicious and virulent views I see expressed on this site, I find that proposition only too easy to believe. I want a place where the Feds can intervene and stamp on PMV (Politically Motivated Violence) wherever it occurs without let or hindrance. I simply don’t trust the power elites here, and that includes the Greens.
The Republic Of Tasmania Pradesh has already been proclaimed. The Governor was dismissed as useless in late 2012. The Parliament then appointed the Speaker without realizing it had effectively become a Republic. This realization as with most things in Tasmania was slow, but the Members took the idea and ran away with it. The people thinking they needed renewal smashed opened the gates of Pontville and freed the detainees. Who being a bit smarter organized a newer system of patronage, which the ALP and Liberals immediately identified as simpler than their complex model and adopted without realizing (as usual) that they had been outwitted by the new rulers. The Republic of Tasmania Pradesh was proclaimed on the new Tasmania Day 1/2/2013 to the general delight of the anglo-saxons who like a good excuse for a piss-up. The new Prime Minister was heard speaking english and was confirmed in his post by acclamation. The population rapidly increased as the boat people deviated from their journey. The TT line had never been fuller.
Could someone answer a question for me ??..Why would this lunatic government send asylum seekers to a camp in Tasmania of all places?...Its not like Tasmania needs more cheap labour is it…The sooner we can get rid of these lunatics the better..
Sorry to be “picky” but the “Your Country needs you” campaign, was in the first world war, not the second.
As for the “north island” invading us, not a chance. We do not have any oil.
So when Jeb Bush is the next US president, we will not be on his radar.
The one problem that I can see is how do we keep forestry Tasmania going without an input of cash from the mainland taxpayers?
I thought this article was a right crack up! Funny one Raj!