Image for TOM KENT’S when-I-feel-like-it COLUMN

Kat Hassle ...

Along at the markets, I saw some swordfiss, at $9/kg. I have never tried it, so I bought a chunk the size of my head for $5 or so - it looks heavy but it’s very light. Tonight I seared each side for about 7 mins in a pan, with some blue cheese melted on top, rice in my new K-mart’s truly awful rice cooker which I must return, and eggplant.

I didn’t want to eat the fiss for 30 mins, because I had taken my nightly pills and wanted to give them time to take effect. But the smell from the pan broke through the stern brickwall of my resistance so I took a bite.

The blue cheese was a bad idea. Eating the non blue-cheese bit, I melted into a blob of glup. I resolved with grim manful courage not to take another bite, but the magnetic magic power of the swordfiss drew me against my will. I took a second bite.

I suddenly found myself rolling on my back on the ground and kicking my arms and legs in the air. On the third bite, I died and went to heaven. I then took a break because a) I was full and b) I was dead. 90% of the fiss remained. So if you see me, it is best not to approach me, because I am a zombie and will eat your brains.

Last week I bought the cheapest fiss, ribbon fiss, at $6/kg, intending to feed it to my cats. I put some down for Kat Pudding, because Kat Hassle was AWOL (if you see Kat Hassle [pic below] do not feed her because she is fed already no matter how much she pretends).

Kat Pudding’s response: “Ewwwwww!  Wh…what is this? It didn’t come out of a can, it is unhygienic. It looks like it has been in the sea for seven years. It looks slimy. It’s WET! It doesn’t have any of the addictive chemicals that my usual food does. Where’s the huge dose of salt? Where’s the essence of catnip? Yuk! I’m not gonna stand for this insult to Katmanity.  I’m outa here.”

As Kat Pudding goes crazy when I open a can of red salmon but won’t eat fresh red salmon when I put it out for her, I thunk Die Katzen don’t trust anything that doesn’t come out of a can. So I quickly fried the ribbon fiss that I had not given them. It looks strange and it oozes this white stuff, which I am told is fat. It is rather tasty. I’ll buy some again and Die Katzen will MISS OUT ha ha ha ha ha ha

Some rilly rlly posh greengrocers might have fresh horseradish root. Be quick.

*Thomas Kent is a composer, poet, photographer, artist, and an appointed Buddhist and Meditation teacher.  As an organiser and professional writer, he has assisted multicultural communities with humanitarian issues for over forty years, and at present is working with Muslim and Buddhist leaders in Western Melbourne. In 2009 community leaders nominated him for the Premier’s Award for Multicultural Journalism.  Tom attempted to retire from political writing when he turned 60, but the anger at humanitarian abuses that the powerful inflict on the powerless could not be suppressed.  Though disabled Tom has released over 100 musical pieces in many genres and is now studying composition at university.