Premier Lara Giddings has continued her Green clean by banning ABC election analyst Antony Green from commenting on the upcoming Tasmanian election.
Ms Giddings stated that the Labor Party was no longer willing to work together with The Green, as she referred to him. “We have significant differences of opinion,” she explained. “And there’s a perfectly good election in South Australia on March 15 for him to go stick his nose in. We’re flying solo.”
A Labor strategist, on condition of anonymity, said the Labor-Green split amounted to a matter of interpretation of voting intention among the electorate. “We’re still saying publicly we think we can win the poll, whereas Antony thinks that on election night we’ll be dragged out the back doors by a rogue fox, beaten to a pulp by a mill-stone and dumped anonymously in a shallow grave at Clarendon Vale.”
Shocked Green staffers were seen in tears on the lawns of Parliament House as Antony Green defended his record as an election analyst. “I have many fine achievements. My squinting and breathlessness in tally-rooms over the years has been second to none.” Mr Green noted that, while checking the Gazette listing of the 100 voters who have applied to register the Palmer United Party in Tasmania, 4 people have the surname Green. “I think it’s clear that Greens are here to stay,” he said.
In other election news, an ALP spokesperson denied rumours the party had hired a tutor to teach Brenton Best to count to five so he could cast a formal vote by March 15. “No, no, that’s completely untrue,” she said emphatically. “Because it would be pointless to even try. We think we can best utilise him as a plant stand in the campaign office.”
Meanwhile Liberal leader Will Hodgman said he ‘was up against it’ to be ready for an election in March as he was still way short of being as big a bastard as Tony Abbott, Campbell Newman, Dennis Napthine, Barry O’Farrell and Colin Barnett. “Unfortunately there’s a long waiting list for conscience removal surgery at the Royal Hobart. That’s definitely something I’ll fix if I’m Premier.”
And at Greens headquarters, a party supporter revealed there had been a boom in revenue since the election date was announced. “We sold a No Pulp Mill sticker this morning!” she exclaimed. “Daily shop takings have gone through the roof from $2 to $2.80.”